505: 'An Origin Story'
Another intense episode and one that takes the show, and particularly Joshua Jackson's character, to some decidedly dark places. Fringe once again provides its stellar cast with the opportunity to flex their acting muscles and they do not disappoint; Noble, Torv and Jackson knocking home-run after home-run out of the park. (9)
506: 'Through the Looking Glass and What Walter Found There'
What initially feels rather like an unnecessary curveball looks likely to be one of the most pivotal episodes of this final season. Through the Looking Glass and What Walter Found There has come under some criticism for failing to convey the same sense of urgency as the episodes surrounding it and for taking its time with its storytelling but to be honest, it's all the better for it. There's an otherworldly quality to the hour, magnified largely by Jon Cassar's sublime direction, which makes for compelling viewing, and it's intriguing to see some of the pieces of the overall plan come together. Plus, there's fan-squee moments galore. Refreshingly different. (8)
507: 'Five-Twenty-Ten'
That John Noble and Joshua Jackson have yet to even be nominated for Emmys for their work in Fringe is just mindboggling. For the umpteenth time this season, and indeed, the last five years, they provide some of the finest character acting you'll see on contemporary television in Five-Twenty-Ten and they do so without overshadowing the gravitas of the plot that surrounds them. Jackson in particular is just too good as Observer Peter, perfectly capturing the mannerisms of our favourite baldies. And let's take a moment to commend Anna Torv too, particularly for that crushing scene in which she realises what Peter has become. Keep going like this Fringe and you might just survive your entire run without jumping the shark... (9)
508: 'The Human Kind'
Possibly spoke too soon there, guys. Okay, so The Human Kind doesn't exactly constitute a jumping of the shark but it is, certainly, the weakest episode of the season thus far. The quintessential problem is the flimsiness of the plot; Olivia's story, while containing a few nice dialogue exchanges, amounts to little more than 'pick up a truck, get kidnapped and escape', Peter's cat-and-mouse game with Windmark feels too slow and Walter and Astrid are a little under-served. That being said, Torv and Jackson are superb in the final scene, perfectly selling what is ultimately a rather crass means of getting around the whole 'Peterver' problem. (6)
509: 'Black Blotter'
Where season two's Brown Betty failed, so our final season's Black Blotter triumphs by striking the perfect balance between leftfield kookiness and, you know, moving the story along. With superb production values and brilliant writing, the production staff manage to realistically convey Walter's acid trip without veering too far into the ridiculous; using Nina and Carla as the 'good' and 'bad' angels on Dr. Bishop's shoulder is a neat touch and of course, the Monty Python homage is just fantastic. Crucially, we actually make logical and fulfilling progress in the development of the season arc and, on top of all this, John Noble gets to act his socks off. Again. Brilliant stuff. (9)
510: 'Anomaly XB-678346'
With only four episodes to go, Fringe feels a little like it's treading water in Anomaly XB-678346, withholding vital pieces of the puzzle where it could perhaps be teasing us a little further, but this is ultimately a minor quibble. Once again, the narrative is well structured, there are a slue of sublime character moments to get our teeth into and there's Anomaly XB-678346 who, despite having no lines of dialogue, manages to tug at all of our well-worn heartstrings. Nina's death is expertly handled and the team's reactions, particularly Walter's, eminently satisfying. And hell, even if the fact that Donald is September was fairly obvious many moons ago, it still makes for a pleasing cliffhanger. (8)
Monday 31 December 2012
TV reviews: Supernatural 805 - 809
Okay, okay, so I've been somewhat neglectful of the ol' television reviews of late. Sue me, I relocated to a new city, a little under 300 miles from where I used to live. That's London from Newcastle, for anyone that doesn't know. I'm making a promise to myself (I'm not calling this a New Year's Resolution, such things are dangerous) to keep Screenaged Kicks regularly updated in 2013 so hopefully, I'll be a bit more... on the ball, shall we say. And you'll actually get some comprehensive reviews as opposed to one or two sentences. Which is what I'm about to throw at you now. Yes, it isn't ideal; sure, it's a bit lazy but whatever, I don't have the time to catch up in the manner to which you may be accustomed. So here's the remaining episodes of the various TV shows that I watch, rated out of 10, with a few words on each. Deal.
Supernatural
805: 'Blood Brother'
From the sublime to the redundant in a matter of minutes, Blood Brother has the unfortunate task of marrying a compelling, character-building storyline (Benny's back story and how Dean deals with it) to a monotonous one (Sam's year of retirement). Fortunately, the good generally outweighs the bad and the episode as a whole comes out as mainly satisfying, but if Carver continues down this cliche-fest path with Sam, he may obliterate our interest in the character entirely. (7)
806: 'Southern Comfort'
To put it bluntly, the inclusion of Garth saves this episode from crushing mediocrity. DJ Qualls is once again superb as the ultimate foil for Sam and Dean and his positioning as 'the new Bobby' is both entertaining and logical. The main thrust of the narrative is passable and has a nice twist towards the end (ballsy of Supernatural to use the Unknown Soldier) but the continued punctuation of the present day story with Sam's woozy, and shockingly lame, flashbacks is just tiresome. Drop 'em already. No one cares. (6)
807: 'A Little Slice of Kevin'
For the first time in weeks, Supernatural switches to fifth gear, ditches (most) of the Sam/Amelia plotline and actually bothers itself about Kevin Tran and it's mostly better for it. There's a real sense of urgency about A Little Slice of Kevin that's been sorely lacking in weeks past... and of course, Castiel makes his triumphant return, which automatically bumps up the score by a point, and Mark Sheppard's in the mix, which makes that two. The only disappointing aspect is the whole 'Kevin's mom makes a deal with a witch' thread which, as well as containing some extremely hamfisted acting, is utterly nonsensical and completely out of character. (8)
808: 'Hunteri Heroici'
A nice concept, undermined somewhat by the inclusion of yet another shockingly predictable (and depressingly dull) strand of the Sam/Amelia storyline. While we appreciate Carver's attempt to prioritise character development, the show needs to do so in an interesting way; and having Sam meet the disapproving Dad really doesn't achieve that. There are some nice set pieces among the 'monster of the week' (if you can call it that) storyline and Misha Collins gets some brilliant one-liners as hunter wannabe Cas but there's nothing here that really stands out. (5)
809: 'Citizen Fang'
A horribly lacklustre mid-season finale that's woefully thin on plot and depressingly high on flogging a dead horse. Benny's story is a lame retread of Blood Brother, his pivotal character moments are ruined by an appalling performance from Jon Gries as Martin, and Sam's thread is so asinine, I'm beating my head against a brick wall in an effort to forget about it. Sorely lacking. (2)
Supernatural
805: 'Blood Brother'
From the sublime to the redundant in a matter of minutes, Blood Brother has the unfortunate task of marrying a compelling, character-building storyline (Benny's back story and how Dean deals with it) to a monotonous one (Sam's year of retirement). Fortunately, the good generally outweighs the bad and the episode as a whole comes out as mainly satisfying, but if Carver continues down this cliche-fest path with Sam, he may obliterate our interest in the character entirely. (7)
806: 'Southern Comfort'
To put it bluntly, the inclusion of Garth saves this episode from crushing mediocrity. DJ Qualls is once again superb as the ultimate foil for Sam and Dean and his positioning as 'the new Bobby' is both entertaining and logical. The main thrust of the narrative is passable and has a nice twist towards the end (ballsy of Supernatural to use the Unknown Soldier) but the continued punctuation of the present day story with Sam's woozy, and shockingly lame, flashbacks is just tiresome. Drop 'em already. No one cares. (6)
807: 'A Little Slice of Kevin'
For the first time in weeks, Supernatural switches to fifth gear, ditches (most) of the Sam/Amelia plotline and actually bothers itself about Kevin Tran and it's mostly better for it. There's a real sense of urgency about A Little Slice of Kevin that's been sorely lacking in weeks past... and of course, Castiel makes his triumphant return, which automatically bumps up the score by a point, and Mark Sheppard's in the mix, which makes that two. The only disappointing aspect is the whole 'Kevin's mom makes a deal with a witch' thread which, as well as containing some extremely hamfisted acting, is utterly nonsensical and completely out of character. (8)
808: 'Hunteri Heroici'
A nice concept, undermined somewhat by the inclusion of yet another shockingly predictable (and depressingly dull) strand of the Sam/Amelia storyline. While we appreciate Carver's attempt to prioritise character development, the show needs to do so in an interesting way; and having Sam meet the disapproving Dad really doesn't achieve that. There are some nice set pieces among the 'monster of the week' (if you can call it that) storyline and Misha Collins gets some brilliant one-liners as hunter wannabe Cas but there's nothing here that really stands out. (5)
809: 'Citizen Fang'
A horribly lacklustre mid-season finale that's woefully thin on plot and depressingly high on flogging a dead horse. Benny's story is a lame retread of Blood Brother, his pivotal character moments are ruined by an appalling performance from Jon Gries as Martin, and Sam's thread is so asinine, I'm beating my head against a brick wall in an effort to forget about it. Sorely lacking. (2)
Wednesday 26 December 2012
13 for 2013
13 albums to be super-excited about in the new year (in no particular order...)
1. THE NATIONAL (release: TBC)
2. FRIGHTENED RABBIT: Pedestrian Verse (release: 11/02)
3. BIFFY CLYRO: Opposites (release: 28/01)
4. EVERYTHING EVERYTHING: Arc (release: 14/01)
5. ARCADE FIRE (release: TBC)
6. CHVRCHES (release: TBC)
7. YEAH YEAH YEAHS (release: Spring)
8. BRITISH SEA POWER (release: April)
9. FOALS: Holy Fire (release: 11/02)
10. FRANK TURNER AND THE SLEEPING SOULS (release: Spring)
11. THE 1975 (release: Spring)
12. THE KISSAWAY TRAIL (release: TBC)
13. VILLAGERS: Awayland (release: 14/01)
1. THE NATIONAL (release: TBC)
2. FRIGHTENED RABBIT: Pedestrian Verse (release: 11/02)
3. BIFFY CLYRO: Opposites (release: 28/01)
4. EVERYTHING EVERYTHING: Arc (release: 14/01)
5. ARCADE FIRE (release: TBC)
6. CHVRCHES (release: TBC)
7. YEAH YEAH YEAHS (release: Spring)
8. BRITISH SEA POWER (release: April)
9. FOALS: Holy Fire (release: 11/02)
10. FRANK TURNER AND THE SLEEPING SOULS (release: Spring)
11. THE 1975 (release: Spring)
12. THE KISSAWAY TRAIL (release: TBC)
13. VILLAGERS: Awayland (release: 14/01)
Monday 24 December 2012
Worst 10 Singles of 2012
Forget Taylor Swift and that 'Gangnam Style'
rubbish, THESE are the real atrocities of 2012, the 10 tracks that took
themselves seriously despite their distinct lack of redeeming features.
Read on and listen at your peril...
10. JESSIE WARE: Wildest Moments
Every music critic and his mother appeared to go inexplicably ape-shit for Jessie Ware in 2012; heralded as 'the saviour of R 'n' B' by NME, Pitchfork, Drowned in Sound and Arselicker's Monthly, the London-born soulstress was promptly propped up on a pedestal so high you'd need a thirty foot crane to knock her off. This particular nugget of super-saccharine cowshit was typically singled out as proof that she's the next Whitney Houston (or something) when in fact, she isn't even the next Des'ree. Chocked to the brim with useless cliches and irritating in the extreme, 'Wildest Moments' deserves nothing other than your unwavering contempt. No offense.
9. SPECTOR: Friday Night, Don't Ever Let It End
Okay, so this isn't actually a terrible song in itself. Taken on its own, set apart from everything else about the band and excluding all social and cultural context, 'Friday Night, Don't Ever Let It End' is a fairly passable, if disappointingly inoffensive, indie tune. It earns its place in the list, however, by being such an unashamed attempt to replicate the success of The Vaccines. Everything about Spector just reeks of record industry desperation: the slightly oddball look, the meaningless lyrics, the half-arsed hooks. This is the sound of a label, and a band, who've eyed up the competition and decided they want a quick and easy slice of the pie. Instead of carving out their own place in the weird and wonderful world of pop music, Spector try too hard to occupy everyone else's, and in so doing, fall hopelessly flat. If they bothered to write some halfway decent songs (actually, you know, PUTTING SOME EFFORT IN), then perhaps we'd all wake up to their charms. As it is, their woeful laziness is sending us to sleep. Wake us up when they disappear off the face of the planet in a year or so, okay?
8. AWOLNATION: Kill Your Heroes
While Spector yearn to be The Vaccines, the members of the appallingly-named AWOLNATION pray to their respective Gods each and every night that they'll wake up in the morning and be 30 Seconds to Mars. Thankfully, God or time or whatever's controlling this messy ol' world we know and love has better sense than to elevate these guys (although whether Jared and co deserved global success in the first place is a debatable point for another time). No, AWOLNATION will forever meander along at their own turgid, bloated pace, recording unlistenable tripe that doesn't quite know what it wants to be and consequently ends up sounding like nothing at all. 'Kill Your Heroes' is a perfect illustration of the validity of that age old adage 'too many cooks spoil the broth'. Everything is thrown into the pot and barely stirred, resulting, frankly, in a colossally unpleasant mess. Another one to consign to the bargain bin in, oh, six months.
7. BLACK VEIL BRIDES: The End
Oh, how we all wish it were, pfnar, pfnar. All joking aside though, isn't it about time that Black Veil Brides stopped punishing us all for whatever terrible offense we've clearly committed to be deserving of having this garbage rammed down our throats and just retired to those mansions they've (probably) bought in Pacific Palisades? We just can't take much more.
6. NO DOUBT: Settle Down
Eleven years, guys. ELEVEN GOD DAMN YEARS. That's over four thousand days, 96,000 hours... and this is the best you could come up with? Really? Look, no one's denying the fact that bands change, their sound evolves, and that you can't really expect them to churn out the same sort of urgently anthemic ska-punk tunes that they did when they were wee 'uns. What we can (and do) expect is that this 'progression' is not equal parts inane and vomit-inducing. 'Settle Down', sadly, is exactly that; a track so achingly monotonous, it wasn't even a D-side to Rock Steady. Unsurprising, then, that the follow-up single only managed to shift 680 copies in its first week. Exit No Doubt, stage left, with tumbleweed.
5. LMFAO: Sorry For Party Rockin'
They're not though, are they? LMFAO really do not want to apologise for their penchant for 'partying' and 'rocking'. In reality, they're rubbing it in our faces... and not in a good, Andrew W.K.-type way. No, these walking toilet bowls of diarrhetic human excrement take great pride in making music so unremittingly awful that even your 3 year old nephew would rather chew his own face off than listen to it. They want you to squirm at those auto-tuned vocals; they want your skin to crawl when those meaningless grunts, gargles and various other bizarre noises kick in; and they want your head to explode whenever the lazy beat begins. LMFAO take pride in their shittiness, so the best thing we can do is ignore them and, like an irritating six-year-old repeating everything you say, hope they tire and just go away. Probably best not to write too many missives on how terrible they are then... whoops.
4. NICKI MINAJ: Stupid Hoe
While Nicki straddles the line between bubblegum pop and super serious artiste (she was on the bill for T in the Park after all, but there again, so were The Proclaimers), this particular crapfest was just so unbearable that we simply couldn't ignore it. A song with virtually no redeeming features whatsoever, 'Stupid Hoe' careers along on a trajectory of ever-increasing awfulness, using THE WORLD'S WORST BACKBEAT to catastrophic effect while Nicki whines on about someone or other being a 'stupid hoe'. You spend the first minute of the song hoping, praying for a change of direction, for the music to do something else, the next 30 seconds awash in a sea of despair as you realise IT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE and then next 2 minutes vomiting up your insides while desperately clamouring for the 'off' switch. But hey, at least it gave us Tranny Minaj...
3. KID ROCK: Cucci Galore
Oh come on, Kid. You can do better than this, surely? Where previous efforts have made their mark on the Worst Singles of the Year list by virtue of their mind-boggling awfulness, 'Cucci Galore' is here because, well, it's just so damn half-arsed. And that's not something we ever imagined we'd write about the former American Bad Ass. Even during his 'All Summer Long' phase, at least Kid was making music so painful that you longed for a full-frontal lobotomy right after listening to it. Whether he was murdering Lynyrd Skynyrd with a chainsaw or rhyming 'punk rock' with 'hip hop' with 'Fort Knox' with 'Kid Rock', at least there was a desire there to be the absolute worst. With 'Cucci Galore', it feels like Kid just can't be bothered; the ingredients are there - the lyrics about himself and, er, nothing else, the bland mix of tired rock riffs with outdated hip-hop beats, hell, he's even wearing his cowboy hat and, um, cowboy bling in the video, but there's something desperately, desperately lacking. The rhymes just aren't as laughable, and if anything, this makes the whole thing that much worse. Instead of a hilariously bad Kid Rock, we have a boring Kid Rock... and that's something too horrible to contemplate. It's probably time to hang up your hat, guy. You can't be a Kid Rock forever... oh wait...
2. THE OFFSPRING: Cruisin' California
Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Clearly reeling from the relative indifference that met 2008's 'Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace' (notably, their best record in years), The Offspring decided that, instead of being content with the millions they've accumulated over the years from their impressive back catalogue, they would throw their artistic integrity right out of the nearest window and record something so hopelessly, laughably desperate that it would ruin their reputations forever. All in the name of hoping to make a quick buck. 'Cruisin' California' is a textbook lesson in selling your soul and will doubtless be used as a prime example of when not to listen to your record company in years to come. The lyrics falling vacuously out of Dexter Holland's mouth are asinine, hollow, empty, striving for some sort of 'instant party vibe' (perhaps a la later Weezer) but actually sounding like your Dad, nay, your Grandad, trying to talk in text-speak. The rapping (Heaven help us, I actually typed that) is unlistenable, the 'party girl' backing vocals woeful, the music a turgid trawl through all of the cliches that 'Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)' so expertly parodied. If 'Cruisin' California' was an attempt to replicate the successes of that particular gem, it got just about everything wrong. A misfire so bad, The Offspring's career may never recover. Truly, truly shocking.
1. MUSE: Madness
It pains us to write these words, it really, truly does, but 2012, among other things, will forever be remembered as the year in which Muse completely lost the plot. Not content with writing just the one painfully embarrassing cliche-fest for the Olympics (stand up 'Survival', you so very nearly made this list), Matt, Chris and Dom proceeded to pen 12 more gargantuan shitfests and released them all as one diabolical album. September's 'The 2nd Law' was the biggest disappointment since The Stone Roses's 'The Second Coming' (or, for fans of controversy, Radiohead's 'Kid A'), for a whole variety of reasons, not the least of which was its oh-so-depressing blandness. Never before had Muse sounded quite so MOR and 'Madness', the first single proper, was the perfect encapsulation of that. Sounding not unlike something you might be subjected to on an early Sunday afternoon on Radio 2, the song saunters along on the back of a terrible Craig David beat, Matt warbling about 'memories' in 'his mind', while Dom and Chris quite literally do nothing for the majority of the song's four minutes. Oh wait, no, Chris gets to make that fingernails-down-chalkboard 'warb warb' noise with some hipster instrument or other. The whole thing is an exercise in mundanity and not even the all-too-temporary mid-song guitar riff can save it. And while 'Cruisin' California' and even 'Cucci Galore' may be worse songs in themselves, 'Madness' tops the list because Muse can do so, so, so much better than this. This is the band who gave us 'Stockholm Syndrome', 'Knights of Cydonia', 'New Born', 'Uprising', 'Sunburn', 'Plug-In Baby', 'Hysteria', 'Time Is Running Out', 'Starlight'... the list is endless. The band who made us believe in British rock again, whose music threatened to rip our faces off with its sheer intensity. In 2012, they could barely make us shrug a shoulder. What happened, guys? What happened?
10. JESSIE WARE: Wildest Moments
Every music critic and his mother appeared to go inexplicably ape-shit for Jessie Ware in 2012; heralded as 'the saviour of R 'n' B' by NME, Pitchfork, Drowned in Sound and Arselicker's Monthly, the London-born soulstress was promptly propped up on a pedestal so high you'd need a thirty foot crane to knock her off. This particular nugget of super-saccharine cowshit was typically singled out as proof that she's the next Whitney Houston (or something) when in fact, she isn't even the next Des'ree. Chocked to the brim with useless cliches and irritating in the extreme, 'Wildest Moments' deserves nothing other than your unwavering contempt. No offense.
9. SPECTOR: Friday Night, Don't Ever Let It End
Okay, so this isn't actually a terrible song in itself. Taken on its own, set apart from everything else about the band and excluding all social and cultural context, 'Friday Night, Don't Ever Let It End' is a fairly passable, if disappointingly inoffensive, indie tune. It earns its place in the list, however, by being such an unashamed attempt to replicate the success of The Vaccines. Everything about Spector just reeks of record industry desperation: the slightly oddball look, the meaningless lyrics, the half-arsed hooks. This is the sound of a label, and a band, who've eyed up the competition and decided they want a quick and easy slice of the pie. Instead of carving out their own place in the weird and wonderful world of pop music, Spector try too hard to occupy everyone else's, and in so doing, fall hopelessly flat. If they bothered to write some halfway decent songs (actually, you know, PUTTING SOME EFFORT IN), then perhaps we'd all wake up to their charms. As it is, their woeful laziness is sending us to sleep. Wake us up when they disappear off the face of the planet in a year or so, okay?
8. AWOLNATION: Kill Your Heroes
While Spector yearn to be The Vaccines, the members of the appallingly-named AWOLNATION pray to their respective Gods each and every night that they'll wake up in the morning and be 30 Seconds to Mars. Thankfully, God or time or whatever's controlling this messy ol' world we know and love has better sense than to elevate these guys (although whether Jared and co deserved global success in the first place is a debatable point for another time). No, AWOLNATION will forever meander along at their own turgid, bloated pace, recording unlistenable tripe that doesn't quite know what it wants to be and consequently ends up sounding like nothing at all. 'Kill Your Heroes' is a perfect illustration of the validity of that age old adage 'too many cooks spoil the broth'. Everything is thrown into the pot and barely stirred, resulting, frankly, in a colossally unpleasant mess. Another one to consign to the bargain bin in, oh, six months.
7. BLACK VEIL BRIDES: The End
Oh, how we all wish it were, pfnar, pfnar. All joking aside though, isn't it about time that Black Veil Brides stopped punishing us all for whatever terrible offense we've clearly committed to be deserving of having this garbage rammed down our throats and just retired to those mansions they've (probably) bought in Pacific Palisades? We just can't take much more.
6. NO DOUBT: Settle Down
Eleven years, guys. ELEVEN GOD DAMN YEARS. That's over four thousand days, 96,000 hours... and this is the best you could come up with? Really? Look, no one's denying the fact that bands change, their sound evolves, and that you can't really expect them to churn out the same sort of urgently anthemic ska-punk tunes that they did when they were wee 'uns. What we can (and do) expect is that this 'progression' is not equal parts inane and vomit-inducing. 'Settle Down', sadly, is exactly that; a track so achingly monotonous, it wasn't even a D-side to Rock Steady. Unsurprising, then, that the follow-up single only managed to shift 680 copies in its first week. Exit No Doubt, stage left, with tumbleweed.
5. LMFAO: Sorry For Party Rockin'
They're not though, are they? LMFAO really do not want to apologise for their penchant for 'partying' and 'rocking'. In reality, they're rubbing it in our faces... and not in a good, Andrew W.K.-type way. No, these walking toilet bowls of diarrhetic human excrement take great pride in making music so unremittingly awful that even your 3 year old nephew would rather chew his own face off than listen to it. They want you to squirm at those auto-tuned vocals; they want your skin to crawl when those meaningless grunts, gargles and various other bizarre noises kick in; and they want your head to explode whenever the lazy beat begins. LMFAO take pride in their shittiness, so the best thing we can do is ignore them and, like an irritating six-year-old repeating everything you say, hope they tire and just go away. Probably best not to write too many missives on how terrible they are then... whoops.
4. NICKI MINAJ: Stupid Hoe
While Nicki straddles the line between bubblegum pop and super serious artiste (she was on the bill for T in the Park after all, but there again, so were The Proclaimers), this particular crapfest was just so unbearable that we simply couldn't ignore it. A song with virtually no redeeming features whatsoever, 'Stupid Hoe' careers along on a trajectory of ever-increasing awfulness, using THE WORLD'S WORST BACKBEAT to catastrophic effect while Nicki whines on about someone or other being a 'stupid hoe'. You spend the first minute of the song hoping, praying for a change of direction, for the music to do something else, the next 30 seconds awash in a sea of despair as you realise IT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE and then next 2 minutes vomiting up your insides while desperately clamouring for the 'off' switch. But hey, at least it gave us Tranny Minaj...
3. KID ROCK: Cucci Galore
Oh come on, Kid. You can do better than this, surely? Where previous efforts have made their mark on the Worst Singles of the Year list by virtue of their mind-boggling awfulness, 'Cucci Galore' is here because, well, it's just so damn half-arsed. And that's not something we ever imagined we'd write about the former American Bad Ass. Even during his 'All Summer Long' phase, at least Kid was making music so painful that you longed for a full-frontal lobotomy right after listening to it. Whether he was murdering Lynyrd Skynyrd with a chainsaw or rhyming 'punk rock' with 'hip hop' with 'Fort Knox' with 'Kid Rock', at least there was a desire there to be the absolute worst. With 'Cucci Galore', it feels like Kid just can't be bothered; the ingredients are there - the lyrics about himself and, er, nothing else, the bland mix of tired rock riffs with outdated hip-hop beats, hell, he's even wearing his cowboy hat and, um, cowboy bling in the video, but there's something desperately, desperately lacking. The rhymes just aren't as laughable, and if anything, this makes the whole thing that much worse. Instead of a hilariously bad Kid Rock, we have a boring Kid Rock... and that's something too horrible to contemplate. It's probably time to hang up your hat, guy. You can't be a Kid Rock forever... oh wait...
2. THE OFFSPRING: Cruisin' California
Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Clearly reeling from the relative indifference that met 2008's 'Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace' (notably, their best record in years), The Offspring decided that, instead of being content with the millions they've accumulated over the years from their impressive back catalogue, they would throw their artistic integrity right out of the nearest window and record something so hopelessly, laughably desperate that it would ruin their reputations forever. All in the name of hoping to make a quick buck. 'Cruisin' California' is a textbook lesson in selling your soul and will doubtless be used as a prime example of when not to listen to your record company in years to come. The lyrics falling vacuously out of Dexter Holland's mouth are asinine, hollow, empty, striving for some sort of 'instant party vibe' (perhaps a la later Weezer) but actually sounding like your Dad, nay, your Grandad, trying to talk in text-speak. The rapping (Heaven help us, I actually typed that) is unlistenable, the 'party girl' backing vocals woeful, the music a turgid trawl through all of the cliches that 'Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)' so expertly parodied. If 'Cruisin' California' was an attempt to replicate the successes of that particular gem, it got just about everything wrong. A misfire so bad, The Offspring's career may never recover. Truly, truly shocking.
1. MUSE: Madness
It pains us to write these words, it really, truly does, but 2012, among other things, will forever be remembered as the year in which Muse completely lost the plot. Not content with writing just the one painfully embarrassing cliche-fest for the Olympics (stand up 'Survival', you so very nearly made this list), Matt, Chris and Dom proceeded to pen 12 more gargantuan shitfests and released them all as one diabolical album. September's 'The 2nd Law' was the biggest disappointment since The Stone Roses's 'The Second Coming' (or, for fans of controversy, Radiohead's 'Kid A'), for a whole variety of reasons, not the least of which was its oh-so-depressing blandness. Never before had Muse sounded quite so MOR and 'Madness', the first single proper, was the perfect encapsulation of that. Sounding not unlike something you might be subjected to on an early Sunday afternoon on Radio 2, the song saunters along on the back of a terrible Craig David beat, Matt warbling about 'memories' in 'his mind', while Dom and Chris quite literally do nothing for the majority of the song's four minutes. Oh wait, no, Chris gets to make that fingernails-down-chalkboard 'warb warb' noise with some hipster instrument or other. The whole thing is an exercise in mundanity and not even the all-too-temporary mid-song guitar riff can save it. And while 'Cruisin' California' and even 'Cucci Galore' may be worse songs in themselves, 'Madness' tops the list because Muse can do so, so, so much better than this. This is the band who gave us 'Stockholm Syndrome', 'Knights of Cydonia', 'New Born', 'Uprising', 'Sunburn', 'Plug-In Baby', 'Hysteria', 'Time Is Running Out', 'Starlight'... the list is endless. The band who made us believe in British rock again, whose music threatened to rip our faces off with its sheer intensity. In 2012, they could barely make us shrug a shoulder. What happened, guys? What happened?
Top 10 Gigs of 2012
10. ANDREW W.K., HMV Forum, London (12/04/12)
9. THE FUTUREHEADS (ACOUSTIC AND ACAPELLA), Shepherd's Bush Empire, London (19/09/12)
8. DRY THE RIVER, Fibbers, York (26/10/12)
7. STARS, Relentless Garage, London (07/12/12)
6. BLOC PARTY, KOKO, London (21/06/12)
5. LOS CAMPESINOS!, Islington Assembly Hall, London (15/12/12)
4. METRIC, The Ritz, Manchester (07/07/12)
3. FRIGHTENED RABBIT, 93 Feet East, London (18/09/12)
No one recorded the 93 Feet East gig, apparently. Shame.
2. FRANK TURNER AND THE SLEEPING SOULS, 02 Academy Newcastle (17/11/12)
1. BRAND NEW, Camden Roundhouse, London (11 and 12/02/12)
9. THE FUTUREHEADS (ACOUSTIC AND ACAPELLA), Shepherd's Bush Empire, London (19/09/12)
8. DRY THE RIVER, Fibbers, York (26/10/12)
7. STARS, Relentless Garage, London (07/12/12)
6. BLOC PARTY, KOKO, London (21/06/12)
5. LOS CAMPESINOS!, Islington Assembly Hall, London (15/12/12)
4. METRIC, The Ritz, Manchester (07/07/12)
3. FRIGHTENED RABBIT, 93 Feet East, London (18/09/12)
No one recorded the 93 Feet East gig, apparently. Shame.
2. FRANK TURNER AND THE SLEEPING SOULS, 02 Academy Newcastle (17/11/12)
1. BRAND NEW, Camden Roundhouse, London (11 and 12/02/12)
Top 50 Albums of 2012
List-lovers, calm your passions...
50. EUGENE McGUINNESS: The Invitation to the Voyage
49. BENJAMIN GIBBARD: Former Lives
48. DJANGO DJANGO: Django Django
47. THE CRIBS: In the Belly of the Brazen Bull
46. PAUL BANKS: Banks
45. DIRTY PROJECTORS: Swing Lo Magellan
44. BETH JEANS HOUGHTON & THE HOOVES OF DESTINY: Yours Truly, Cellophane Nose
43. PROPAGANDHI: Failed States
42. BLOOD RED SHOES: In Time to Voices
41. MINUS THE BEAR: Infinty Overhead
40. CAT POWER: Sun
39. THE MOUNTAIN GOATS: Transcendental Youth
38. CLOUD NOTHINGS: Attack on Memory
37. STARS: The North
36. OFF: Off!
35. BAND OF SKULLS: Sweet Sour
34. GRAHAM COXON: A+E
33. SLEIGH BELLS: Reign of Terror
32. MAPS AND ATLASES: Beware and Be Grateful
31. THE MAGNETIC FIELDS: Love at the Bottom of the Sea
30. HERE WE GO MAGIC: A Different Ship
29. THE MENZINGERS: On the Impossible Past
28. GRIZZLY BEAR: Shields
27. BILLY TALENT: Dead Silence
26. TAME IMPALA: Lonerism
25. ALABAMA SHAKES: Boys and Girls
24. JACK WHITE: Blunderbuss
23. FANFARLO: Rooms Filled with Light
22. HOT WATER MUSIC: Exister
21. TOY: Toy
20. TWO DOOR CINEMA CLUB: Beacon
19. FUTURE OF THE LEFT: The Plot Against Common Sense
18. SUCIOPERRO: Fused
17. GODSPEED YOU! BLACK EMPEROR: Allelujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!
16. THE CAST OF CHEERS: Family
15. SILVERSUN PICKUPS: Neck of the Woods
14. THE VACCINES: Come of Age
13. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Wrecking Ball
12. MARK LANEGAN BAND: Blues Funeral
11. PERFUME GENIUS: Put Your Back N 2 It
10. TITUS ANDRONICUS: Local Business
9. JIM LOCKEY AND THE SOLEMN SUN: Death
8. METRIC: Synthetica
7. PULLED APART BY HORSES: Tough Love
6. DRY THE RIVER: Shallow Bed
5. JAPANDROIDS: Celebration Rock
Certainly the shortest record of the bunch, Japandroids' 'Celebration Rock' could well be their magnum opus, an unforgiving beast of an album that pummels away at your eardrums and worms its way ever-so-pleasantly into your subconscious before you've really had time to let it all sink in. A thrilling listen and one that firmly cements the band as masters of their deliciously visceral art.
4. BLOC PARTY: 4
And the award for 'Most Pleasant Surprise of the Year' goes to the return of Bloc Party, who pulled the wool over everyone's eyes and released a record that's more Biffy Clyro than Bearstronaut. While 2009's 'Intimacy' veered more towards half-arsed electronica, and Kele's solo album even more so, '4' takes its influences primarily from Gordy and Russell's between-album projects (Young Legionnaire and, um, Ash respectively) and just fucking rocks. While it retains the angular indie sensibilities of their earlier records - particularly evident on first single 'Octopus' and 'V.A.L.I.S' - it also offers heady treats like 'Kettling', '3x3' and the really bloody mad 'We Are Not Good People'. Thank the Lord they got 'Mercury' out of their system, eh?
3. ADMIRAL FALLOW: Tree Bursts In Snow
Containing both the most uplifting song of the year - stand up 'Isn't This World Enough?' - and probably the most beautiful (the title track will make you cry, promise), Admiral Fallow's second full length is a treasure trove of greats that just improves with each and every listen. Yet another incredible Scottish band to add to your collection.
2. THE GASLIGHT ANTHEM: Handwritten
Brian Fallon and the Gaslight Anthems prove, once again, that they just cannot write a bad song; 'Handwritten' contains some of the finest music and lyrics of their career. The influences of The Horrible Crowes are felt throughout the record, Fallon adopting a more reflective, soulful stance... and, crucially, he gets his anger back. There are delectable hooks ('45', 'Handwritten'), powerful ballads ('National Anthem') and crushing rock behemoths (the 'Keepsake'/'Too Much Blood' duo is probably the best combination of songs in their arsenal). A tremendous record by any standards.
1. THE MACCABEES: Given to the Wild
Talk about a game changer. 'Given to the Wild' doesn't just prove that The Maccabees are more than a first rate indie outfit with a knack for a good hook, it rewrites their own personal rulebook and forces you to completely re-evaluate your preconceptions about this most quietly brilliant of bands. The catchy melodies are still there, of course, but they're steeped in gorgeous instrumentation, couched in cascading guitar riffs and ethereal piano solos, reworked in ways you never quite expect. There's a delicate beauty about this LP, a lush melancholy that burrows its way into every track and transforms the album into something gorgeous. More than any other release this year, 'Given to the Wild' is a record made to be listened to in one sitting; while it is possible to dip in and out and the tracks stand proudly alone (just listen to 'Forever I've Known', 'Go' or 'Grew Up At Midnight' and tell me this isn't stupendous), it's the whole that makes for the most rewarding experience, the journey that reveals the greatest riches. In years to come, 'Given to the Wild' will be considered a pivotal turning point in The Maccabees' career, and we'll all still be trying to figure out exactly how they managed to make something so darn beautiful.
50. EUGENE McGUINNESS: The Invitation to the Voyage
49. BENJAMIN GIBBARD: Former Lives
48. DJANGO DJANGO: Django Django
47. THE CRIBS: In the Belly of the Brazen Bull
46. PAUL BANKS: Banks
45. DIRTY PROJECTORS: Swing Lo Magellan
44. BETH JEANS HOUGHTON & THE HOOVES OF DESTINY: Yours Truly, Cellophane Nose
43. PROPAGANDHI: Failed States
42. BLOOD RED SHOES: In Time to Voices
41. MINUS THE BEAR: Infinty Overhead
40. CAT POWER: Sun
39. THE MOUNTAIN GOATS: Transcendental Youth
38. CLOUD NOTHINGS: Attack on Memory
37. STARS: The North
36. OFF: Off!
35. BAND OF SKULLS: Sweet Sour
34. GRAHAM COXON: A+E
33. SLEIGH BELLS: Reign of Terror
32. MAPS AND ATLASES: Beware and Be Grateful
31. THE MAGNETIC FIELDS: Love at the Bottom of the Sea
30. HERE WE GO MAGIC: A Different Ship
29. THE MENZINGERS: On the Impossible Past
28. GRIZZLY BEAR: Shields
27. BILLY TALENT: Dead Silence
26. TAME IMPALA: Lonerism
25. ALABAMA SHAKES: Boys and Girls
24. JACK WHITE: Blunderbuss
23. FANFARLO: Rooms Filled with Light
22. HOT WATER MUSIC: Exister
21. TOY: Toy
20. TWO DOOR CINEMA CLUB: Beacon
19. FUTURE OF THE LEFT: The Plot Against Common Sense
18. SUCIOPERRO: Fused
17. GODSPEED YOU! BLACK EMPEROR: Allelujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!
16. THE CAST OF CHEERS: Family
15. SILVERSUN PICKUPS: Neck of the Woods
14. THE VACCINES: Come of Age
13. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Wrecking Ball
12. MARK LANEGAN BAND: Blues Funeral
11. PERFUME GENIUS: Put Your Back N 2 It
10. TITUS ANDRONICUS: Local Business
9. JIM LOCKEY AND THE SOLEMN SUN: Death
8. METRIC: Synthetica
7. PULLED APART BY HORSES: Tough Love
6. DRY THE RIVER: Shallow Bed
5. JAPANDROIDS: Celebration Rock
Certainly the shortest record of the bunch, Japandroids' 'Celebration Rock' could well be their magnum opus, an unforgiving beast of an album that pummels away at your eardrums and worms its way ever-so-pleasantly into your subconscious before you've really had time to let it all sink in. A thrilling listen and one that firmly cements the band as masters of their deliciously visceral art.
4. BLOC PARTY: 4
And the award for 'Most Pleasant Surprise of the Year' goes to the return of Bloc Party, who pulled the wool over everyone's eyes and released a record that's more Biffy Clyro than Bearstronaut. While 2009's 'Intimacy' veered more towards half-arsed electronica, and Kele's solo album even more so, '4' takes its influences primarily from Gordy and Russell's between-album projects (Young Legionnaire and, um, Ash respectively) and just fucking rocks. While it retains the angular indie sensibilities of their earlier records - particularly evident on first single 'Octopus' and 'V.A.L.I.S' - it also offers heady treats like 'Kettling', '3x3' and the really bloody mad 'We Are Not Good People'. Thank the Lord they got 'Mercury' out of their system, eh?
3. ADMIRAL FALLOW: Tree Bursts In Snow
Containing both the most uplifting song of the year - stand up 'Isn't This World Enough?' - and probably the most beautiful (the title track will make you cry, promise), Admiral Fallow's second full length is a treasure trove of greats that just improves with each and every listen. Yet another incredible Scottish band to add to your collection.
2. THE GASLIGHT ANTHEM: Handwritten
Brian Fallon and the Gaslight Anthems prove, once again, that they just cannot write a bad song; 'Handwritten' contains some of the finest music and lyrics of their career. The influences of The Horrible Crowes are felt throughout the record, Fallon adopting a more reflective, soulful stance... and, crucially, he gets his anger back. There are delectable hooks ('45', 'Handwritten'), powerful ballads ('National Anthem') and crushing rock behemoths (the 'Keepsake'/'Too Much Blood' duo is probably the best combination of songs in their arsenal). A tremendous record by any standards.
1. THE MACCABEES: Given to the Wild
Talk about a game changer. 'Given to the Wild' doesn't just prove that The Maccabees are more than a first rate indie outfit with a knack for a good hook, it rewrites their own personal rulebook and forces you to completely re-evaluate your preconceptions about this most quietly brilliant of bands. The catchy melodies are still there, of course, but they're steeped in gorgeous instrumentation, couched in cascading guitar riffs and ethereal piano solos, reworked in ways you never quite expect. There's a delicate beauty about this LP, a lush melancholy that burrows its way into every track and transforms the album into something gorgeous. More than any other release this year, 'Given to the Wild' is a record made to be listened to in one sitting; while it is possible to dip in and out and the tracks stand proudly alone (just listen to 'Forever I've Known', 'Go' or 'Grew Up At Midnight' and tell me this isn't stupendous), it's the whole that makes for the most rewarding experience, the journey that reveals the greatest riches. In years to come, 'Given to the Wild' will be considered a pivotal turning point in The Maccabees' career, and we'll all still be trying to figure out exactly how they managed to make something so darn beautiful.
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