Album review: Boys Like Girls: 'Love Drunk'

BOYS LIKE GIRLS: 'Love Drunk' (Columbia)

A spacious, nondescript office. Gold records adorn the walls and there is a moderately sized crucifix positioned above the entrance. Four well-groomed, yuppie-clothed young men are slouched across two leather sofas in the corner of the room, nursing bottles of Dandelion and Burdock. These are the members of Boys Like Girls and this is their annual band meeting. Martin, the bequiffed, waistcoat-wearing lead singer, carefully positions his bottle onto a gold-plated coaster and sighs.
"Guys, what are we gonna do about our new album?" He throws his head into his hands. "There's just too much pressure, man."
Bryan, the flat-capped bassist, rubs his furrowed brow. "I just wasn't expecting 'The Great Escape' to be that big. I mean, top 75 sure, but platinum? Sold out tours across America? I just never thought..."
"Okay, okay guys," begins Paul, the one with the cheekbones, "It's going to be all right. All we need to do is figure out what the kids want."
"Yeah," says Martin, his eyes gleaming, "If we hit on the right formula, we'll be set for life."
"Surely we just need to keep the momentum going?" offers Bryan, "Write more of the same? Repackage 'The Great Escape' with different lyrics?"
"But how do we know that's what's popular? How do we know that the kids haven't moved on?"
John, the band's pot-bellied drummer, suddenly pipes up.
"Guys, I've got it... industrial album."
A pin drops, somewhere.
"Okay," resumes Martin, ignoring his friend, "Those All-Australian Rentboys had that hit with, oh, what was it called?"
"'Gives You Head.'"
"Yes, that's it. That's got whiny vocals and an irritating chorus and that was massive."
Paul looks a little apprehensive.
"But isn't it a bit... naughty?"
"Yeah Martin, it sounds like the work of deviants."
"Well obviously, we'll keep things strictly clean. We'll make sure our music exalts our Lord Jesus Christ who died on the cross for our sins."
"Praise his name."
"Yes, praise."
"Guys guys," interjects John, "Christian death metal!"
"We could have a song, right, about losing faith and spiralling out of control..." suggests Bryan.
"...fighting our demons..."
"...running from Jesus..."
"Need to make sure it's ambiguous too, so we don't scare the atheists."
"We'll call it something non-specific. 'Someone Like You', maybe?"
"Genius!"
"And we'll make sure it's a soppy ballad, something that you can play in the background on One Tree Hill."
"We'll make millions!"
"All right, all right, so we've got the religious element covered," reasons Martin. "We're writing straightforward, sugar-sweet guitar pop... what else?"
"Mariachi album!"
"John, no one listens to The Bronx."
John slumps back into the sofa.
"That Kanye West guy uses vocoders and he's, like, mega rich."
"Sold."
"Throw in a few hip hop beats too!"
"Yeah yeah, everyone'll say our sound has really matured."
"But that we've also stayed true to ourselves and the heart and soul of our music."
"We're going to be bathing in $100 bills guys!"
"Especially if we can make girls weak at the knees again..."
"Oh man, they just fall all over themselves for a good hook."
"And a healthy dose of heartbreak."
"Yeah, we need to sing about love, man! About our broken hearts and how much we miss our girlfriends."
"My life is incomplete without youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..........."
"God, those screaming teenage fangirls are so drunk on love."
"That's a song title right there! 'Love Drunk', that's awesome! Any more?"
"Well the Spice Girls had that '2 Become 1'... how about something like that?"
"'Two is Better Than One'?"
"Great! That speaks to our listeners, saying that we're better off with them than by ourselves!"
"Guys," asserts Martin, "I think we could have just come up with the biggest album of the decade. Well done everybody."
John gesticulates wildly.
"I've got it, I've got it... 'Tear Apart my Heart'..."
Silence fills the room. Suddenly, Bryan pipes up.
"Oh yeah, John..."
"That's actually quite good."
"Maybe you're finally getting the hang..."
"'...with a Ten Tonne Chainsaw.'"
"Never mind."
"Okay," begins Martin for the final time, "Trite, saccharine lyrics, straightforward, lazy guitars and a few vocoders here and there. To the studio, guys!"
And with that, Boys Like Girls put down their Dandelion and Burdocks, check themselves in the over-sized marble-framed mirror and step, one by one, through the crucifix-flanked entrance into the great unknown, smiling to themselves at a job well done. And then they're massacred by a horde of rampaging Brand New fans that have just heard 'Daisy' for the first time. Ah, we can but dream. (2/10)