#601: 'Nice is Different Than Good'
Wr: Marc Cherry
Dr: Larry Shaw
Synopsis: Mike Delfino's bride is finally revealed, and whereas one woman of Wisteria Lane is struck by happiness (yet again), another woman's world falls appart. In the meantime, Lynette tries to cope with her new pregnancy, and develops some unexpected and horrifying feelings towards her unborn babies. Bree begins a reluctant affair with Karl Mayer, and Gabrielle has to deal with raising a rebellious teenage girl. Meanwhile, a new family with a dark past, headed by new housewife Angie Bolen (new castmember Drea de Matteo), moves to the street.
Review: When we left Desperate Housewives at the end of last season, the show was in dire straits. Cherry's narrative going into the sixth year looked to be one of the worst ever - a selection of half-baked regurgitations and ludicrous character swerves. It didn't seem like there was much hope for the show; it was burning out, lacking the spark that once made it must see TV. Now, as it returns to our screens, fresh faced after a cool Summer break, the jury's still very much out but thankfully, there are shafts of light shining through.
Bree's much lamented affair with Susan's smarmy ex-husband seemed like an act of desperation at the end of last year, an attempt to breathe fresh air into a character that had become a little stale. While it is still difficult to believe that she would ever contemplate bonking the man, at least Cherry acknowledges this here, giving her more of a road towards the man. Her cleanliness obsession is completely in character and is a very good way of demonstrating, and reiterating, her morality. Gabrielle and Carlos's intake of Ana, their upstart niece, actually works rather well to begin with. The dialogue in the kitchen is completely believable, feeling just like the sort of scene you'd see in your own house at seven in the morning. Unfortunately, it descends into utter farce once Gaby infiltrates the club and the audience start lifting the girl over their heads... but we'll forgive Cherry his excesses just this once.
Lynette's narrative looked to be a complete eye-roller when it began in the season five finale - do we need to see her pop a sprog or two again?? Ack! - but at least Felicity Huffman gets some interesting beats to play; the moment when she confesses that she is unable to love her new babies is just heartbreaking and is played to absolute perfection. There's even some good stuff for Mrs McLuskey (a new beau that she's hanging out with? Yummy!) and the new family adds a suitable level of intrigue, as well as some HAWT eye candy to replace Shawn Pyfrom with in the form of Danny, uber-sexy brooder extraordinaire. Shame he seems to be a dirty straight... maybe Cherry could mix things up a bit and get him snogging Preston? No? Okay, just get his top off then. Ahem. It seems fairly obvious that he isn't the one responsible for strangling Julie, although this is the same show that had Mike Delfino be the subject f yet another mystery last year so... who knows?
Speaking of Mike, this is where the episode really falls down. While the other narratives manage to salvage something enjoyable out of their crappy conceits, the Susan/Mike/Katherine triangle is just so tired that nothing even remotely enjoyable can ever come out of it. It really doesn't matter who the guy ends up with, because the story is always going to be the same. The other party will over-react, have an attack of the green eyed monsters and there'll be friction and tension for a while. Then, when all of that settles down, the writers will feel like they have to 'spice things up', so they'll split the couple up again before spending another year getting them back together. It's an endless bleeding cycle and it's utterly infuriating. Get this cack off my screen now, please. It's bloody insulting. At least Katherine has a fairly human reaction to the whole debacle. I think I'd be a bit ticked off if my lover said something along the lines of, "hey, I was going to marry you but actually, I've changed my mind and I'm gonna marry my ex instead. Have a nice day!" How rude! Sadly, her anger cannot rescue what is ultimately a horrorshow of a storyline. Honestly, cull these characters and Housewives would be ten times better. As it is now, every six or seven minutes, I just want to throw things at the TV. 7.0
#602: 'Being Alive'
Wr: Matt Berry
Dr: David Grossman
Synopsis: As the citizens of Fairview try to make sense of a recent attack in their neighborhood, Lynette withholds a secret from Susan. Gabrielle gives niece Ana advice on how to get a guy's attention, whereas Bree worries how her affair with Karl will affect her friendship with Susan, and Angie is determined to protect her son and her family's past.
Review: So, has The Ballad of Mike, Susan and the Mayfair improved any this week? Does the Pope listen to 50 Cent? Of course it bloody hasn't. If anything, it's managed to get progressively worse, as now it's mired in the ratings-grabbing, admittedly mildly interesting Julie strangulation story. Katherine comes on to Mike while he's returning home to get some things for Julie, basically degrading herself by throwing her wiles all over his oh-so-masculine frame. And just to make matters worse, we get a delightful scene between she and Orson in which she claims Mike wants her back! How are we supposed to react to this? Laugh at its absurdity? Pity her complete loss of sensible perception? Worry that she's flying off the rails? Feel annoyed that she's getting in the way of Susan and Mike's happiness? All of the above? I honestly don't know... but whatever the answer is, the whole thing is so damn cringeworthy that it's hard to feel anything other than irritation.
On the plus side, at least this narrative strand doesn't feature too heavily in the episode. Instead, we get some fairly interesting intrigue on the part of the Larry Moss family to sink our teeth into, which obviously means plenty Danny, which is absolutely fine by me (shirtless! Shirtless! Now!), the chance to see elderly super-stud Roy for the first time, which is adorably sweet, further progression in Lynette's pregnancy story that continues to impress - it's a stroke of genius to have her reveal Julie's scare in the hospital, completely out of the blue, which makes it all the more believable - although the way in which the abortion angle is swept under the rug after a few scenes is somewhat disappointing, and, of course, there's Bree and Karl's ever-burgeoning relationship, which comes to a temporary halt in the wake of Julie's attack. This strand adds an interesting dimension to the story, bringing Susan's feelings on the matter of a friend sleeping with Karl into the equation, as well as giving Richard Burgi a chance to show an emotional side of Karl that hasn't really been touched on before. It works very well and further strengthens the backbone of the plot, disguising the fact that, at first, it all seems rather absurd.
Generally, this is a fairly good episode that nudges the separate strands forward and compounds the intrigue inherent in the season's arc plot. Now if we can just get rid of the triangle from hell, things will be back on track. 7.4
#603: 'Never Judge a Lady by her Lover'
Wr: Bob Daily
Dr: Andrew Doerfer
Synopsis: After a chance encounter with John Rowland (former main castmember Jesse Metcalfe), Carlos begins to suspect that his wife still has the hots for him, and allows his niece Ana to be hired by John to test Gabrielle. In the meantime, the Scavos tell their kids they are expecting twins, and Lynette hides her pregnancy from Carlos in order to get a big promotion. Bree realizes Karl is more serious about their affair, but she doesn't want to put much effort into something she does with a man she does not love... or does she? The intensity between Susan and Angie grows as the latter tries to defend her son, but Susan is determined to warn everyone that Danny Bolen is a dangerous kid.
Review: Patently contrived and about as believable as your average L. Ron Hubbard novel, 'Never Judge a Lady by her Lover' tries oh so desperately (hah! What a pun!) to impress but sadly, falls flat on its sorry behind. Repeatedly. And with increasing kerfuffle. Yet again, Jesse Metcalfe is rolled out of cold storage to 'spice things up in', nee 'drive a stake right through' Gabrielle and Carlos's story, making his apparently obligatory once-a-season appearance as the owner of a fabtabulous new restaurant that's just opened in town. Naturally, this leads to a consideration of all the 'possibilities' down the road not taken, Gabrielle spending half the episode in some sort of wistful trance, reminiscing longingly about the time he banged her in her husband's bed, or perhaps the incident with his naked touche in the bushes (well, we all remember that one well... some of us have yet to get over it. Ahem.) We've seen it all before, endured the 'what if' pontification far too many times to be even remotely interested, and even the pay-off, her realisation that she prefers what she has with Carlos, threatens to bore you to tears, it's that unnecessary and down right obvious.
Elsewhere, Bree's narrative continues to feel like it's being played for shock value, trying so hard to do something that hasn't been tried before that it sacrifices all that's enjoyable about her character. Felicity Huffman does her best with a truckload of bad material for poor Lynette, who decides to hide the truth about her pregnancy from her boss, in spite of the fact that she should know far better than to conceal absolutely anything whatsoever, given her history, and as for Susan, well, words really don't do justice to the absurdity of this one. Yes, sure, she'd be distraught over the attempted murder of her daughter and okay, maybe this would lead her to jump to some hasty conclusions. We can all cope with her unwarranted suspicions of super hot, uber sexy, looks-far-too-good-in-a-pair-of-jogging-bottoms-for-it-to-be-legal Danny Bolan, but attempting to crush him with his friend's car? Um, sometimes you really do go far too far, Desperate Housewives. It's all played for laughs, obviously, but it just isn't funny; in fact, it reads as a plot device, not a naturally arising development, which makes it difficult to engage with the story. Disappointing, really; with a little more attention, this show could be a whole hell of a lot better. Still, at least we got that scene with the Scavo kids, eh? Now that was a scream. 5.2
604: 'The God-Why-Don't-You-Love-Me Blues'
Wr: Alexandra Cunningham
Dr: David Warren
Synopsis: As Katherine unravels, revealing how much of a toll losing Mike has taken on her, Bree comes to her aid. Gabrielle grows weary of John's intentions towards her niece, and, during the second trimester of her pregnancy, Lynette's breasts become bigger. In the meantime, Susan learns Julie has been harboring some secrets, and Angie gets Porter to throw a party for her son.
Review: An improvement on last week's disappointing effort but problems still remain. Gabrielle's story is the biggest offender, refusing to let Jesse Metcalfe and his rippling pectorals just lay down and die. No, instead, we have to endure yet another run through one of the parties regretting that they ever parted ways, trying to rekindle a long lost flame and being well and truly spurned. Look, it was old hat when it happened in season three; three years later, it really doesn't feel any fresher, and wrapping it up in Ana's storyline doesn't do anything to help matters. Metcalfe doesn't even show us so much as a cheeky nipple, for God's sake! Speaking of hotties, it is certainly good to see Shawn Pyfrom back but sadly, he's fully clothed too, and gets little more than a bit-part in the teaser sequence. You can't really blame him for wanting to distance himself from the show, given how poorly Andrew has been treated over the last few seasons, but you can't help feeling that he's one of the most interesting characters milling around. Certainly more so than bloody Katherine Mayfair, whose descent into stark-raving-lunacy is just plain embarrassing. The writers have turned her into a cipher, spewing the most extreme and ludicrous of objections to Mike and Susan's wedded bliss week in, week out, and now, as if unsatisfied by this complete and utter hammering of her character's integrity, they see fit to make her deluded enough to believe that Delfino still harbours any semblance of feeling for her whatsoever. Her dialogue is so hyperbolic and her scenes so unbelievable that she just becomes irritating, which does a great disservice to what was a markedly sophisticated and multi-layered creation only a couple of seasons ago.
Thankfully, other aspects are better. Lynette's narrative, despite having too great a whiff of the old 'rampant male sexism' about it, actually manages to pull off a few genuinely amusing moments, - particularly the initial conversation with Carlos about the supposed implants - Bree benefits from being mostly removed from her ongoing car crash of a story with Karl and showing some genuine and quite moving compassion for her compatriot, and the ongoing mystery of the identity of Julie's attacker takes some genuinely interesting twists and turns as first Susan learns a few choice facts about her daughter's recent activities and then we discover that Larry Moss is the mystery man with whom she has been having an illicit affair... which, to be honest, became obvious the moment Pyfrom mentioned that the guy was married, but still, at least they're doing something interesting with a character that we really know far too little about. Quite a few shafts of light then, but not enough to completely pierce the encroaching darkness. Housewives, you're not out of the dog house yet. 6.9
#605: 'Everybody Ought to Have a Maid'
Wr: Jamie Gorenberg
Dr: Larry Shaw
Synopsis: Gabrielle is deemed a bad mother during her daughter Juanita's playdate, and she tries desperately to prove to others that she is a responsible parent. Bree gets defensive when she's judged by a motel maid (guest star Aisha Hinds) for having an affair with Karl Mayer, and Lynette is put off by her new handyman, Roy Bender (guest star Orson Bean), when he defers to Tom for approval on all things, whereas Susan and Katherine come to blows over Mike. Meanwhile, a lapse in judgment on Danny's part leads to a terrible mishap that Angie and Nick must cover up.
Review: What's the best thing about this episode, ladies and gentlemen? Is it the distinctly insightful, and rather moving, conversation between Tom and Roy about Lynette's inherent need for control? Could it be the wonderfully astute observation by one of the Solis children that 'the monkey's killing the clown'? Or perhaps the continued inclusion of the ludicrously attractive young Danny Bolan, who needs to wear less clothes pronto? Well, frankly, no. It's none of these things. The best thing about 'Everybody Ought to Have A Maid' is Aisha Hinds, one of the best character actors in the business right now, who manages to knock the pants off of pretty much everyone else in the episode in her minor role as the observational hotel maid. She's cropped up in Prison Break and True Blood of late (and in the later, she was bloody fantastic as the kooky Miss Jeanette) and now she's here, providing Marcia Cross with the springboard that she needs to give Bree Hodge some of the most in-character moments she's had in one hell of a long time. The final conversation that the two have is just superb, brash and to the point but loaded with meaning. Finally guys, something to get excited about in this otherwise rather contrived storyline.
The aforementioned highlights are also, obviously, worthy of praise, but a nod should be given to the ongoing mystery surrounding the Bolans for ramping up the tension and the intrigue with the inclusion of the dreaded firearm. Unfortunately, this being Desperate Housewives, the episode wouldn't be complete without a thoroughly contrived slice of out-and-out farce and, lo and behold, good old Susan and Katherine can be relied upon, once again, to come up trumps. Honestly guys... shooting her? Really? And that Neighbourhood Watch meeting... ack! Do we really need to be hammered over the head with Mayfair's incessant lust for her ex and comedy-villain hatred of his lover? It's just tiresome. Get these two out of this thoroughly unenjoyable rut and into some interesting narratives, stat. Then we'd have something good on our hands. 7.4
#606: 'Don't Walk on the Grass'
Wr: Marco Pennette
Dr: David Grossman
Synopsis: When Bree begins to fall for Karl, she decides it is time to break things up before they get way too serious. However, Karl isn't willing to let her go that easily, and makes her a proposition. In the meantime, Juanita says a bad word during a school play and Gabrielle is attacked by the school's principal (guest star Marianne Muellerleile), which leads her to respond and ultimately get her daughter out of the school, whereas Lynette learns her husband is cheating during mid-term. Katherine pretends to be on Susan's side to get to Mike, and Angie hides some secrets regarding her mother.
Review: Another week, another round of cringeworthy storytelling from the Desperate Housewives writing staff. After having endured ridiculous propositions, contrived shootings and really, really irritating bouts of disillusionment from the walking caricature that now is Katherine Mayfair, this time around, we're forced to embrace deceptive sweetness, faux friendliness and a mindbogglingly ridiculous run in with a bathtub. Oh come on, calling Mike to get him to 'fix your pipes' late at night, when he's blatantly at home with Susan? Why wouldn't you think she'd get a little suspicious and want to pay you a visit? The subsequent mad dash to extinguish all of the candles and remove the rose petals is so hopelessly devoid of any comedic value that it makes the eyes roll... honestly, can we have the gal that obsessed over Dylan's safety back now, please? She was a heck of a lot more interesting than this one dimensional waste of space.
The remaining storylines, thankfully, continue the upward trend that began last week... or they do for the most part, at any rate. It's good to see the writers doing something a little different with Gabrielle; the inclusion of the children into the mix in season five really helped to enliven things, and once again, they prove to be the source of something actually quite interesting here. Forcing the former model to home school her child could be something that adds whole new dimensions to her character, and it's certainly refreshing to see that Jaunita doesn't automatically forgive her mother at episode's end, just because the denouement's rolling round. Tom's story is complete fluff but it certainly raises a few smirks, and it seems that Bree has at least learned something from her encounter with Miss Jeanette last week, forcing Karl to back off a little and see whether they can date, rather than simply fuck. It's a shame that the brooch trope is so utterly ridiculous though; please, I don't buy for one second that Karl would just conveniently 'forget' that he ever gave the thing to Susan. Honestly, these problems are so easy to straighten out... a little TLC guys, that's all it really takes. 7.4
#607: 'Careful the Things You Say'
Wr: Peter Lefcourt
Dr: Bethany Rooney
Synopsis: Susan is in desperate need of help to figure out if Katherine was responsible for strangling her daughter, and the detective who agrees to help her, Denise Lapera (guest star Kathy Najimy), shares some history with her that they both would rather forget. In the meantime, Lynette learns about Julie's past affair with Nick Bolen, which leads her to have her own theory as to who may have strangled her. The Hodges are invited over for dinner by the Bolens, and Nick proposes to Bree that she hire Angie to work for her at the catering company. Meanwhile, Gabrielle takes advantage of her housekeeper (guest star Anna Katarina) by making her play the role of Juanita's tuitor.
Review: 'Careful the Things You Say' is a game of two halves, where one is replete with interesting new character pairings and the other is full of stale retreads of former glories. With Lynette and Bree's stories, the episode is able to hold its head up high and lay claim to still being one of the sharpest and most underhandedly humorous drama-cum-soap-operas on television. Coupling Mrs. Scavo up with Julie Mayer was a fantastic idea right from the get go, way back in the season's second episode, and it's really refreshing to see the pair engaged in a heart-to-heart, delivering some meaningful and believable discourse that edges forward this year's arc plot without a great deal of contrivance. Lynette's effective voicing of her suspicions to good old Larry Moss plays wonderfully, despite being somewhat reminiscent of Tom's encounters with Dave last year, and Felicity Huffman caps it all off by selling his unspoken threat with just the right level of unease. From the Hodges, meanwhile, we have a lovely piece of comedic theatre, set around a dining table, that manages to incorporate Bree's infidelity, Orson's cluelessness, the couple's woeful marital problems, Nick's infidelity, Angie's maneouvering and, indeed, this couple's woeful marital problems simultaneously, allowing the humour to arise naturally out of a perfectly ordinary, and yet highly charged, situation. It's a shame that Bree resorts to stealing Angie's recipies, and that it takes a few stern words for the pair to end up where they should be - in the kitchen together - but at least we get some honesty from our favourite gun-toting conservative and the makings of what could be a most enjoyable friendship. It's worth mentioning, actually, that the Bolens continue to be distinctly intriguing week in, week out. There's some mighty fine acting chops on display here, particularly when Angie reveals that she's aware of Nick's affair, and the writers keep things just the right side of oblique and mysterious not to provoke frustration.
Sadly though, there's that pesky second half to contend with and it really drags the episode down. Susan's visit to the police station is practically the epitome of lazy writing, fit to burst with half-arsed stereotypes and predictable dialogue. The fact that she and Denise have some unfortunate history is telegraphed from the moment they first clap eyes on each other, so the reveal fails spectacularly, but how on Earth did anyone think this would be even remotely entertaining in the first place? Oh yes, Susan's being harrassed by Katherine and having trouble getting through to the police... well, wouldn't it be even funnier if the police turned out to be on Mayfair's side, and proactively hindered Susan? Yeah yeah, that'd be great. It's a screamer... write it down! Except don't. It's unbelievable, it's old hat and it's just plain uninteresting. Same goes for you, Gabrielle's-housekeeper-cum-Physics-expert. We've had this story before, and it came in the form of the maid that Carlos had his wicked way with in season two. Granted, she wasn't helping any children with their maths homework, but still... Gabrielle shirking her responsibilities and palming them off to someone less fortunate? How original!
What Desperate Housewives needs right now is consistency. It needs to find a writer or two who can embelish everyone's narratives with creativity and derive comedy and drama organically from the characters, instead of grafting it on with the heaviest of hands. In its current state, it's far too hit and miss, and sooner rather than later, it's going to come a cropper because of it. 6.7
#608: 'The Coffee Cup'
Wr: David Flebotte
Dr: Larry Shaw
Synopsis: Susan and Katherine are both sentenced to community service by picking up trash, and in the meantime Katherine finds a way to let Susan know she and Mike once had sex five times in a day, which annoys Susan, as her sexual ratio with Mike was never that high, leading her to believe he was closer to Katherine. Meanwhile, Gabrielle goes out of her way to get her daughter into Catholic school, and the only way to do so is by having Carlos send one of his employees, and Lynette's trainee, to Florida, much to Lynette's dismay, as she was training him to cover for her during her soon-to-come maternity leave. Angie refuses to make small talk with Julie Mayer, and Orson lets on that he is suspicious his wife might be cheating on him.
Review: A thoroughly hopeless episode that feels like it's been written on the back of one of the coasters that adorn the tables in the quaint ol' 'Coffee Cup.' Honestly, is anyone bothered about what happens in this show any more? Is there a single soul left who actually cares about which tired scraps of plot that it's going to pilfer this week? Who looks forward to seeing just how many of the episode's narratives that they can predict the outcome of after the first five minutes? Well, I guess the answer to that can be found in the ratings, which continue to impress so I guess someone out there's satisfied... but not this cantankerous old get, oh no. He's too bloody irritated by the idiocy that runs rampant throughout the script, that seems to suggest that the writers don't think that their viewers have a shred of intelligence between them. Just look at that teaser, for God's sake. Susan is sentenced by a judge with a warped sense of humour? Who seems to have something of a callous disregard for what makes the law what it is? Well, of course! It just wouldn't be crazy old Mrs. Delfino's life if she wasn't being hampered by absurd circumstance at every turn. But wait - there's more! Katherine gets to parade around the courtroom in the most ridiculous of outfits, firing accusations and generally acting the fool, as if she's in some black and white dramedy from the 40s, playing the duplicitous femme fatale and painting herself into a stereotype. No, this isn't going a tad overboard at all guys. Really.
Things get steadily worse as the narrative careers onwards. The pair end up doing community service together, picking up rubbish, which manages to be resolutely unfunny, before a connivingly plotted remark from Mayfair about her proactive sex life with Mike results in Susan completely abandoning every one of her senses and trying to lay the poor bugger at every possible moment, and probably every which way too. It's silly and it's completely predictable - it is absolutely guaranteed from the moment the craziness begins that Mike will utter a few calming 'I love yous', Susan will regret what she's done and they'll end the episode snuggled up together, watching The Bachelor. Which they do. Huzzah! Except really, really not. No huzzahs at all. Just yawns. Lots and lots of yawns. Yawns compounded by just about everything else in the episode; Gabrielle's woefully over-the-top attempts to get her daughter into Catholic school being the next best offender, closely followed by the complete gumf that goes on in the Scavo household as they hound that wonderful employee of Carlos's and dissuade him from moving to Florida. Honestly, if I was that guy, I'd be asking why the hosts were taking such a great interest in my movements... their behaviour absolutely screams 'ulterior motive' and would be called out almost instantly. As it is though, the couple are blissfully blind to all of this and coast along, lapping it all up, just so that the plot can move forward another few paces. Frankly, it's bloody ludicrous. Hell, even the arc plot's losing its grip... if it turns out to be Angie, to be that bleeding predictable, I might just pitch a fit.
There are occasional flashes of improvement: the grossly underused Orson finally claws his head out of the sand and catches a clue, giving Kyle MacLachlan something interesting to do for once, and the moments with both Bree and Angie while he's listening to Madame Butterfly are genuinely touching. It's nice to see Bree acknowledge the depth of her conflict too; it seems that things aren't as simple as having fallen completely out of love with her husband. Lynette's impending conundrum regarding work is also a brave move, and her 'reveal' scene with Carlos is distinctly well written. Unfortunately, these are mere snippets and they aren't enough to paper over the deep, deep cracks made by the whole. The ship's sinking guys... somebody better think of something fast. 5.0
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