20. KAISER CHIEFS: Little Shocks
Someone really needs to inform Ricky Wilson that the world doesn't care anymore; he can give it up now and only a handful of hangers-on (probably based somewhere in Halifax or something) will care enough to shed a flitting tear. And then they'll pick up their Kasabian records and get on with their lives. Honestly, the damage will be minimal. It won't even eat up many column inches in NME, Mojo and all of those other music publications 'that matter'. There will barely be a moment's pause for reflection... and that pause will consist almost entirely of a few thousand people ruminating on whether 'I Predict A Riot' was actually fairly prophetic after all. He really doesn't need to keep churning out these try-hard wastes of space anymore; the whole 'look at us, we're so kooky but loveable with it!' shtick just doesn't cut the mustard these days. Will any of this stop him? Does David Cameron listen to The Smiths?
19. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS: The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie
When oh when oh when will this catastrophically dire, abysmally decrepit bunch do the honourable thing and JUST. GIVE. IT. UP? The world does not need to be subjected to the same piss poor four minute plodathon, dressed up as rock 'n' roll because it has a funky bassline or two in it, every two or three years without fail. We've had enough, guys. We've moved on. Maybe you should too. Or at the very least, do a Korn and 'invent a new genre' (read: bastardise a few old ones). Just sayin'.
18. KIM WILDE: It's Alright
East 17? Really, Kim? East 17? You recorded 'The Kids In America', for God's sake. The fact that you can do so much better than this virtually goes without saying. Oh, how the mighty have well and truly fallen.
17. KINGS OF LEON: Back Down South
What is it with 2011 and spirit-crushing mediocrity? In this more than any other year in recent memory, it seems we've been inundated with the 'middle-of-the-road', bands putting aside any inclination to breathe an ounce or two of life into their music and churning out mind-numbing, chart-friendly 'plodders' instead. 'Back Down South' is one of the worst offenders, a dirge so inconspicuously dull it makes the dishwater look interesting. This is the kind of track you'll hear on heavy rotation on Smooth FM, soundtracking your early morning drive into work because THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION, or you'll find on 'classic' compilation albums like The Very Best of Drivetime 2011 or 20 More Songs To Hang Yourself To. Hopefully, now that they're taking a 'well-earned' break from the hardships of the rock 'n' roll lifestyle, Caleb and co. might head back down south and find that sex that was on fire a couple of years back. We can but dream.
16. THE BIG PINK: Hit The Ground (Superman)
Look, we tolerated that song about girls falling like dominoes because, well, it was a little bit catchy and it had a decent enough chorus but guys, this is just taking the proverbial biscuit. Clearly trying to recapture the crossover appeal of their one and only BIG HIT, The Big Pink's 'Hit the Ground (Superman)' is essentially a crash course in over-egging the pudding, a song so desperate to be liked but simultaneously maintain hipster credibility points that it manages, quite spectacularly, to annihilate its chances of doing either. Too mundane to be popular and too desperate to be underground, this is the sound of a band falling flat on its flabby backside and no one caring enough to help 'em up. Woeful.
15. BEADY EYE: The Roller
Why does anyone still care enough to buy Liam Gallagher's music? Is it out of fear or something? Fear that he'll come round in his designer sarong and 'do your nut in'? (Oh wait, that was David Beckham, wasn't it? Apologies, I'm not well up on the #ukbritpopfashionscene, but I'm sure @chino_wanker can probably educate us all). Honestly guys, you really don't need to give this prick any more money. He's got enough. He's made enough of a career out of pilfering the one or two decent ideas that the Sixties gave us to keep him sleeping on a bed of gold for the rest of his days. You can stop now. 'The Roller' is just the latest in a seemingly never-ending line of cheap Beatles knock-offs, bereft of any semblance of originality or, indeed, any redeeming features whatsoever, dressed up as some sort of 'quintessentially British' nostalgia-fest. It isn't big, it isn't clever and it most definitely isn't any good. Now put that CD down and if you really must wallow in Britpop memorabilia, pick up the Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds LP instead.
14. ALL TIME LOW: I Feel Like Dancin'
Given that virtually everything about this cheap knock-off of a pop punk band is manufactured by money-grabbing record execs (oh come on... don't tell me that the whole 'strip naked to your Y-fronts and eat bananas seductively' thing a few years back was All Time Low's idea? Don't tell me they even have a thought to process between them?), it's depressingly hilarious, and actually quite offensive, that their 200-strong marketing team thought it prudent to throw them in a music video in which they attempt to highlight the shallowness of the industry and its obsession with product placement, image and sex. Self-reflexive my arse, this is just downright insulting. Perhaps we'd be able to forgive them if the song were up to much, which it isn't, or if they didn't feel the need to resort to casual homophobia every so often in an attempt to rustle up a few cheap laughs (check the look on the face of the floppy-fringed black haired one when he's sandwiched between two topless men who gyrate against him halfway through the video, or indeed, those immortal lyrics 'feelin' kinda crunk/I think some dude just grabbed my junk (woah!)/Now I know how Ke$ha must be feelin'). Frankly, I'm with the Scissor Sisters on this one: I definitely DON'T feel like dancing to this washed-up claptrap.
13. HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD: Hear Me Now
And so the seemingly unstoppable rock 'n' roll/hip hop juggernaut that is the Hollywood Undead 'phenomenon' rolls ever onwards, continuing its mission to annihilate any semblance of good taste from the rock scene and throw in a few unhealthy slices of misogyny along the way. These guys are setting us all back by about fifteen years with God-awful abominations like this track, recalling a time when listening to Crazy Town was actually considered a worthwhile pastime. Interestingly, 'Hear Me Now' is a minor departure from previous Undead releases in that it has no purile comedic hook and contains very few references to the band themselves and how awesomely macho they all are, but sadly, rather than use this blank slate to write something moderately entertaining, they've gone and stolen Good Charlotte's lyricbook instead. Which makes everything about seventy times worse. Natch.
12. HARD-FI: Good For NothingHah! These things just write themselves, don't they?
11. SKRILLEX: First of the Year (Equinox)
THIS is what the kids are listening to? Bring back Add N To (X), all is forgiven.
10. KASABIAN: Days Are Forgotten
Hopefully, one day in the not too distant future, there will come a moment when Britain wakes up and realises that actually, Kasabian aren't God's gift to modern music but rather a very poor imitation of everything that was inexorably shit about Madchester, and everything they've ever recorded and produced, including all CDs, LPs, album sleeves, concert tickets, T-shirts and wooly jumpers are burned in a ritualistic funeral pyre of monumental proportions. Men and women, boys and girls alike will cast aside their differences and join hands in celebration of their epiphianic awakening and all will once again be right with the world. Kasabian, in effect, will be forgotten. And until that day, we'll just have to make do with whining on about how utterly nauseating their attempts at making something even closely resembling music actually are.
9. COLDPLAY: Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall
It's somewhat fitting, don't you think, that in a year characterised by conservativism, by austerity, unemployment and rampant xenophobia, the Worst 20 Singles List is dominated so prominently by the bland and the inoffensive? It is surely no coincidence that in this climate of inexplicable Tory popularity, Chris Martin's Coldplay reign supreme. Headlining Glastonbury, embarking on sold out stadium tours, reaching no. 1 countless times over... it's all symptomatic of the desperately 'safe' and 'traditional' times we live in. 'Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall' is the kind of song you can see topping The Daily Mail's 'End of Year Polls', with an accompanying sentence or two about'harkening back to an age when music was safe for the whole family to listen to' or some such utter and complete bullshit. Fortunately, if the cycle of history is anything to go by, this climate of mediocrity will soon be swept away by a tidal wave of disaffection and malcontent, by bands borne of disenfranchisement, wearing the scars of oppression, burning with a passionate hatred and a desire to change the world. And until then, we'll just have to listen to our Wild Beasts records if we want to hear something subtly daring, avoiding everything written by this lot AT ALL COSTS. Does David Cameron listen to Coldplay? Isn't he IN them?
8. BLACK VEIL BRIDES: Fallen Angels
It would be very easy to mock Black Veil Brides for their ridiculous image (think Motley Crue, Kiss, Guns 'n' Roses and Steel Panther in a very messy orgy), their patently stupid name or even their excrutiatingly corny music videos but frankly, all of that pales in comparison to the rancid sack of horseshit that is their music. Put it this way: 'Fallen Angels' makes everything Skid Row ever recorded seem like 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. Nuff said.
7. THE HORRORS: Still Life
As every music critic and his mother trips over himself to pen hyperbolic love letters to Faris Badwan's left testicle, the world fails miserably to realise that actually, this Horrors malarky is one colossal joke at every flexi-bike riding, lensless-spectacles wearing dickhead's expense. Oh look, it HAS to be, okay? Surely this lot can't ACTUALLY take themselves seriously? That would just be too ridiculous to even contemplate. Imagine: 'Still Life', a cheap shoegaze knock-off too mundane to be a 'Screamdelica' Z-side, an ACTUAL attempt at making something interesting? It doesn't bear thinking about, does it?
6. NICKELBACK: When We Stand Together
Does anyone REALLY like Nickelback? Like, truly and sincerely enjoy listening to their music? Or are the hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians who buy their albums actually doing so at gunpoint, under threat of being forced to listen to Chad Kroeger's nails-down-a-chalkboard voice on repeat FOR EVERY MINUTE OF THE REST OF THEIR LIVES? Is this some sort of colossal mind-control experiment, where subliminal messages in the sickeningly saccharine lyrics of songs like this particular horrorshow force the listener to rush down to the local HMV and immediately purchase 6 copies of the band's latest record? Surely there can be no other explanation for their popularity? Well, at least Detroit Lions fans agree: http://www.change.org/petitions/the-detroit-lions-replace-nickelback-as-the-halftime-show-for-the-thanksgiving-game
5. KID ROCK/SHERYL CROW: Collide
Honestly, is there anything in this world more hopelessly inoffensive, more irritatingly insipid, more vomit-enducingly saccharine than contemporary Kid Rock? His transformation from ho-fucking, monkeybar-swinging American Bad Ass to softly, softly M.O.R. money machine is perhaps the single most soul-destroying personality change in the history of modern music; and when you consider that his previous recordings were the audio equivalent of being shat on by a herd of diahorretic elephants, that truly is saying something. Not content with unleashing one slice of catatonic hellspawn on the world with 2002's 'Picture', Mr. Rock opted to team up with dull-as-dishwater-wunderkind Sheryl Crow again nine years later (careers faltering a little, d'ya think?) to produce something with even less life in its oh-so-painful four and a half minutes than its predecessor. Quite an achievement, yes, but certainly not one to be proud of. If this is what 'Kid Rocking in the free world' is all about then get me Justin Hawkins's one way ticket to hell (and back!) stat.
4. KORN (f/SKRILLEX & KILL THE NOISE): Narcissistic Cannibal
Jonathan Davies thinks rather a lot of his band's new material. So much so, in fact, that he has gone on record to claim that, in 'The Path of Totality', Korn have created an entirely new genre of music and if you don't like it (fan or no), well, you're just an uneducated stick-in-the-mud, afraid to open your ears to new sounds. I'd quite like some of what this guy is on, quite frankly, as if 'Narcissistic Cannibal' is any indication, all Korn have done is get Skrillex and Kill the Noise to add a few breaks and loops to an otherwise fairly bogstandard slice of turgid nu-metal. And yes Jonathan, that's what it is. I don't care how filthy you think the term is; if you don't want to be pigeon-holed, YOU NEED TO START MAKING SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS DIFFERENT. Not just getting a few imbeciles with turntables to mess around with your usual formula so that it sounds a bit like Nine Inch Nails. Or Pitchshifter. 'Future metal' my arse.
3. LIMP BIZKIT: Shotgun
Ten years on from the heyday of nu-metal and still Fred Durst has not learned his lesson: that the world needs Limp Bizkit about as much as it needs a full-frontal lobotomy performed by a chimpanzee. On crack. Or something. Labouring under the mistaken impression that his band has any relevance whatsoever, Durst took it upon himself to bring the old gang back together in 2011 'because it just felt right' or 'they needed some cash to support their respective habits' or whatever and 'Shotgun' was the result: a song that would sit comfortably on 2001's 'Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavoured Water' or ANY OTHER LIMP BIZKIT RECORD EVER MADE EVER BECAUSE IT'S SO FUCKING MINDLESS. Same three chords, same irritating whine, same meaningless lyrics about the band or Fred or 'hot tits' or some such, same trumped-up twit massaging his ego. Given that it bombed spectacularly upon release, perhaps, if we're lucky, this will be the last we see of them for another ten years, eh?
2. METALLICA & LOU REED: The View
This is a joke, right? James Hatfield and Lou Reed must be sitting smoking a few cigars on Venice Beach, their feet resting on some prostitute's back, laughing their asses off that thousands of unsuspecting Metallica fans invested their hard-earned dollars, pounds, Euros, pesetas and every other currency on the planet to purchase THIS putrid pile of horse manure. Surely? They can't ACTUALLY think that their hopeless hotchpotch of abrasive guitar riffs and spoken-word ramblings based on Frank Wedekind's plays about 'a tempestuous woman named Lulu who was both a muse and a mystery' is anything other than a load of ultra-pretentious wank, right? They HAVE to know. The alternative is just to horrible to contemplate. I mean, 'I am the table! I am the ten storeys! I AM THE TABLE!'? Come on.
1. BROKENCYDE: Still The King!!!
Oh God. Oh God, oh God, oh God. Is it December 2012 yet? Because this absolutely MUST be what the apocalypse sounds like; and far from being a pretty fucking cool soundtrack, it's actually the audio equivalent of having your intestines slowly ripped out by a hundred starving crocodiles. Never mind Worst Single of the Year, 'Still The King!!!' is the worst thing created in a hell of a long time; it's debatable whether it can even be described as 'music' in the conventional sense of the word, and frankly unfathomable how anyone in their right frame of mind - or otherwise, to be honest – could derive any semblance of enjoyment from listening to it. And maybe that's the point: maybe brokENCYDE are striving to be disliked, to create something bereft of redeeming features, in order to stand out from the crowd or bring about the end of the world or something. Either way, you definitely should be worried. Batten down the hatches now kids; if this is a sign of things to come, then Heaven help us all.
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