611: 'If...'
Wr: Jamie Gorenberg
Dr: Larry Shaw
Synopsis: In the aftermath of the plane crash, the residents of Wisteria Lane reflect on what their lives might have been had they made different choices: Susan contemplates a life with Karl had he not walked out on her, and Bree considers life without Orson. Lynette thinks about a future with her unborn twins, whereas Gabrielle imagines her daughter Celia aspiring to become a superstar actress, and Angie ponders the consequences should her secrets be revealed.
Review: The producers of popular, long-running television shows often like to pose the question, ‘what if…?’ What if the central protagonist didn’t marry the love of his life in a fairytale wedding? What if one of the crazy twins was gay? What if Jonny decided to piss off to the Bahamas instead of completing his Law degree and spent a decade living off nothing but weed? The concept gives writers room to breathe, a chance to free themselves of the self-imposed restrictions placed on them by the narrative decisions made throughout the show’s history. It’s liberating, as well as bloody fun… usually mostly for the actors. Desperate Housewives is the latest primetime smash to try the gimmick on for size and, to be honest, the results are something of a mixed bag.
Where the episode succeeds, on a superficial level at least, is in the crucial qualification of the central idea. The postulations, the ‘what if’s, are interwoven into the standard plot by using them as re-imaginings of the characters’ making. Lynette thinks of what it would be like if she had a disabled child. Bree imagines life if Karl had survived the plane crash. As a consequence, the stories can arguably be as outlandish or as exaggerated as possible as they are the characters’ perceptions of themselves. The ridiculous fat suit thrown on Teri Hatcher might seem utterly laughable at first but this is Susan’s imagination, her view of the extremities of what could happen to her. As such, its tackiness seems rather fitting and there is a certain smirk-inducing humour to the scenario. Similarly, the rather half-arsed attempt to make Gabrielle look like an old granny (throw a wig on her, give her a few moles) and the OTT nature of her destitution would be nothing short of atrocious in ‘real time’ narrative but here, as a fantasy of sorts, it becomes perfectly acceptable. The stories themselves aren’t that bad either. Thankfully, we don’t fawn over Karl for forty five minutes; instead, his death is blunt, to the point and, interestingly, off-screen. Of course, in itself, the removal of the character is screamingly predictable; as Richard Burgi is a guest star and Kyle MacLachlan a series regular, it was quite obvious who was going to get the chop. And in any case, Desperate Housewives wouldn’t be Desperate Housewives if quick fixes weren’t firing out of every fetid narrative corner, desperate to return everything to the bland, tired old status quo. Let’s face it – in this most conservative of stories, Bree was never going to remain with Karl. The perceived demographic, ‘happily-ever-after’-philes, just wouldn’t allow it. No, better to quickly remind everyone of how bloody lovely Orson is and how deep down, you know Bree’s secretly pining for his Madame Butterfly addiction.
The other deaths are as expected too. The loss of one of Lynette’s children became fairly obvious from the moment she started reaching for her stomach in the hospital waiting room, while Mona’s removal from future ‘guest starring’ credits was written in the stars two or three episodes ago, when she first started poking her nose around Angie’s story. Speaking of which, we don’t exactly get very much new to chew on here; the court room scene is conveniently tactile, featuring a load of dialogue that treads on its tip-toes, speaking in riddles in order to disguise any potential developments. It’s starting to become a little frustrating… almost as much as the actresses hired to play Ceila Solis, possibly the most insipid character in the show’s history. Honestly, does anyone really give a crap? It would help if the individual portraying her twenty-odd year old incarnation wasn’t as wooden as a Trojan horse, a fact that pretty much consigns Gabrielle’s entire story to the scrapheap.
Thankfully, Marcia Cross manages to be bloody excellent as usual in every scene she’s given when trying to emote over a (potentially) dead Orson, and so the ultimate eye-rolling pay-off of Bree’s narrative – that Mr. Hodge could be paralysed which, obviously, in Housewives world, means he’ll be back on his feet in two months – doesn’t allow her story to suffer the same fate. Predictably though, it’s Lynette’s narrative that proves the most rewarding, featuring another stunning tour de force from Felicity Huffman as a put-upon, struggling mother of a disabled child. The actors playing him certainly aren’t half bad either, and there’s a decidedly tempered portrayal running throughout the whole thing. The scene in the kitchen is bereft of music and shot at odd angles and with unusual close-ups to convey Lynette’s sense of frustration and confusion, but they never veer into dangerous territory that might ‘other’ the character and demarcate him as somehow less than the show’s non-disabled players.
Generally, this is quite an enjoyable little diversion from the norm. The adoption of a different format refreshes the narrative, giving the housewives a chance to flex their muscles and do something a bit different, and there are some very memorable, complexly written scenes to enjoy too. The episode falls down somewhat in the resolutions of the various ‘what if’s: Angie’s story effectively goes nowhere again (no, that clue about the mysterious guy that she’s running from isn’t enough), Orson being paralysed is rendered completely unbelievable by Carlos’s previous miraculous recovery from blindness, the deaths are the kind that could be foreseen by Mystic Meg and Gabrielle’s entire story is well, a bit shit. Still, ‘If…’ is a definite improvement on ‘ Boom Town ’ and, sing it to the heavens, there isn’t a single ounce of Katherine Mayfair. Huzzah! 7.4
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