Yes, you read that right bargain hunters, for two weeks only, that's a measly TWO weeks, fourteen ultra short days, EVERYTHING, and we do mean EVERYTHING* MUST GO. We've slashed the cost of viewing each individual journey entry by UP TO 90%! That's 10% less than a 100% reduction! We must be stark raving bonkers! We're practically giving away our content! You simply won't believe your eyes when you see the kind of bargains we've got on offer! In fact, you might keel over and die, so HEARTSTOPPINGLY SHOCKING are our prices! But don't mind that, start clogging up our bandwidth RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT. Really, what better do you have to do on Boxing Day? No one does anything on the day after Christmas - YOU COULD BE SPENDING. Looking at all those posts that you just couldn't afford to before the 25th. And you don't want to miss out, do you? What if it's all gone tomorrow? BEAT THE RUSH - get on board today!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, so that was slightly ridiculous. But excuse me while I let out one gigantic eeeeeeeeeugggggcccccccccckkkkkkkkhhhhhhhhhhh. Bloody January sales. Sorry, bloody freaking Boxing Day sales. Reports of idiots queueing up outside Selfridge's in London at seven o'bleeding clock, while others fight over handbags in the Trafford Centre. For the love of your family, people, what in the hell are you doing? Have you actually stopped to take a good look at yourselves? Only nine or ten hours since you were cuddled up next to your loved ones watching inane shite on the television, post the most gargantuan Christmas meal you've ever had the fortune to force down your gullet, you're out on the high street, scurrying around like lunatics, trying to spend EVEN MORE MONEY THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE in some sort of freak panic buy insanity. You already maxed out your credit card buying little Timmy that ultra-sophisticated games console he's always wanted in time for 'the big day', as well as everything else on the blighter's list; just because everything else you might want or need is now reduced well below its actual value, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BUY IT.
And if you really must, does it absolutely, positively have to be on Boxing Day? All right, all right, perhaps they'll sell out in the days to come because all the other freaks queued up at 7am on the 26th... but if we put an end to this store opening insanity, they wouldn't have a chance, would they? Whatever happened to Christmas being a relaxing time, spent with family and friends? Why does the high street need to open its doors AT ALL after the 24th? Sure, keep the supermarkets open so essentials can be re-stocked but HMV? Waterstones? The fucking Magic Box?! Close 'em all 'til after we've wrecked our town centres at the New Year. Then we can have our January sales. Our poor, hard-working retail staff might actually get a chance to spend a bit of time with their loved ones. And we'd all feel a darn sight better, being able to put our feet up by the fire with a nice warm mug of tea, safe in the knowledge that it's at least another seven days before the mad rush to get the best handbag begins.
Oh, and while I'm at it, I propose that we close the Pope until the New Year too. That way we might be able to get through 'the most magical time of the year' (thank you Coca Cola... I think) without some twit in a big hat spouting bigotry and hatred in the name of his favourite deity. Come to think of it, how about we just lock him away for good, huh? I mean, who'd really miss him? We could throw in this imbecile too:
I'm sure they'd got on just famously together, locked in a closet. Then we could get back to worrying about the bargains, the credit crunch and UFOs in our back gardens. Or, indeed, that fake toothpaste we've all been buying. I knew there was a reason I always bought Macleans.
* = 'Everything' refers to all posts contained within the sale, which is approximately 0.0004% of the total content.
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