Okay, so we all know that two of the greatest crimes ever committed against humanity occurred in 2008; two acts so despicable, so thoroughly wretched and unforgivably inhumane that they drove entire nations to their knees, uniting us all under a wave of collective horror and shameful regret. "Why?", we all asked, "Why did we let this happen? How has it come to this?"
I'm talking, of course, about the release of Nickleback's 'Rock Star' and Kid Rock's 'All Summer Long', two of the worst recordings ever composed by man or beast. These works are so horrific, so completely devoid of any artistic merit or aural pleasure whatsoever, that they stand apart from anything else ever recorded. They're in a league of their own hideousness, towering over your Westlifes, your Mariah Careys and your Panteras and laughing down at all of us meagre mortals as we find ourselves forced, once again, by the unstoppable power of chart radio, to listen to their Satanic whining.
It is for this reason that they have been excluded from the 'Worst Ten Songs of the Year 2008'; not because they are, in any way shape or form, better than the load of claptrap listed below, but because to compare them side by side would be unfair. Truly, Nickleback and Kid Rock redefined what it means to 'be shite' this year and, by their own standards, have elevated themselves above and beyond any conventional means of assessing doggerel.
Oh and, while we're at it, a quick note: you won't find any pop music in here, guys and gals. 'Pop' is disposable and therefore, by its own low standards, acquits itself. The ten tracks below like to take themselves seriously... and that's where the biggest danger always lies.
10. BLACK KIDS: I'm Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You
All over Radio 1 like an STD during the festival season, 'I'm Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You' contains surely the most irritating vocal duo to ever be given a set of matching microphones. The male lead whines on and on, repeating the same assertion that he refuses to give 'your' boyfriend dancing lessons over and over and over and over (like a monkey with a miniature cymbal? Oh wait, that's a completely different God awful load of shite...) while an eight year old brat counts to four in the style of a girl having her windpipe crushed. Oh yeah, and she keeps shouting at us all to 'Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!' which, quite frankly, is the furthest thing from my mind when listening to this claptrap. 'Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!' is more bleeding like it.
9. THE KILLERS: Human
Best thing to happen in 2008: Brandon Flowers got the razor out and assaulted his bum fluff. Worst thing to happen in 2008: his band went and made a new record. Day & Age, shamefully, manages to be even worse than the depressingly mediocre Sawdust, and this lead single is the perfect encapsulation. 'Human' sees The Killers laying down their instruments, picking up a synthesiser and one of Elvis' favourite microphones and proceeding to take one massive shit all over the eardrums of an unsuspecting planet. 'Are we human?/Or are we dancer?' asks Brandon throughout this four minute exercise in eighties-throwback futility. The answer, unfortunately, is that you are neither Mr. Flowers: you are a wanker.
8. BLOC PARTY: Mercury
Given that I love Bloc Party with all my heart and soul, it pains me to admit that 'Mercury', the first single from the band's third album Intimacy, is absolutely, unequivocally and resolutely fucking awful. But awful it is: from the cod-grime flavourings, through the irritating 'rising' trombone noises and horrifically distorted bastardisation of Russell's ordinarily sublime guitar work, to Kele's pathetically unconvincing attempts to rap and, Godddddddddd, those incessant vocal 'samplings', 'Mercury' is just a categorical failure on all levels. How anyone can take any enjoyment from listening to this doggerel is beyond me. Still, the rest of the album's quite good. Honest.
7. MYSTERY JETS: Two Doors Down
Oh God. It's this lot again. The same bunch of pointless hippies who gave us such horror shows as 'Diamonds in the Dark' and, lest we forget, 'You Can't Fool Me, Dennis' in 2006 (seriously, I'm having palpitations just thinking about them...) came back with a vengeance in 08 with new haircuts, new matching outfits (well, for this video anyway) and a new fondness for Duran Duran. Well, at least, that's the conclusion I've drawn from being forced to listen to this sorry excuse for an eighties 'pastiche' at every indie club I've dared to set foot in this year. Yes, I'm absolutely certain that the emo-coffered tosspot who fronts this second rate novelty act would tell us all that the plinky-plonky keyboard chorus and unhealthy smattering of brass instrumentation is "meant to be, you know, like, ironic and stuff." Well, he can fuck right off and get back up his own arse... it's just a load of old bollocks.
6. PENDULUM: The Other Side
For a reason best known to a power higher than I, Pendulum actually became a bit popular in 2008. Sold out UK tours? Jam packed festival performances IN THE NME TENT?! At 7pm?! Just what in the holy fuck is going on, people? Surely you all have more sense than this? Surely you realise that this bunch of money-grabbing bastards are engaging in one mass music industry swindle, peddling out EXACTLY THE SAME SONG over and over again, in what must take all of approximately three minutes (just enough time to change the lyrics around a bit), in an effort to make a quick buck? Is it not obvious? The only reason I can think of as to why Pendulum continue to get away with this, and haven't already been locked up in a dingy Australian prison cell for the rest of eternity for crimes against aural decency, is that everyone who listens to their music is completely off their tits. Yes, that's GOT to be it. There's no way a clean, sober individual could ever derive enjoyment from this repetitive, nay offensive, bullshit. Is there? For the sake of all our souls, I truly hope not.
Part two (5 - 1) coming soon... if you can stomach it...
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