521: 'Bargaining'
Wr: David Schladweiler
Dr: David Grossman
Synopsis: Bree sinks to a new low to retain the best lawyer, and Gabrielle's vanity is put to the test when she makes a deal with her daughter Juanita. Meanwhile, Lynette and Tom negotiate sex, and Katherine deceives Mike to win his heart. Jackson (guest star Gale Harold) walks back into Susan's life with a proposal, and an unexpected visit sends Dave to do some bargaining of his own.
Review: Been there, done that, bought the 99 cent T-shirt. For one of the final episodes of a season, that's not exactly the kind of response you want to engender in your audience, but sadly, 'Bargaining' sees Desperate Housewives falling back on tired old habits; predictable character beats that have been fleshed out, over-analysed and nitpicked to death for the past five years. Take Lynette and Tom's story as an example: what could the writing staff possibly do with their characters in their current situation? Give them an interesting angle with a friend, perhaps? Introduce some conflict in the lives of one of their criminally underused younger children, Penny and Parker? Have Lee take Tom to a gay club to ease his boredom? Oh wait! I know! I've got it! Let's give the couple ANOTHER problem in their relationship... yes, Lynette's back to work and it's consuming her life so that she hasn't got time for her husband! Just like three seasons ago! And, for that matter, just like Carlos and Gaby a few weeks back! Yeah, that'll be interesting! But wait, there's more! The pay-off can be that Tom is lost in his house-husband role and so... will go back to work! Great, that's soooooooooooo original! And even if we've done it before, so what? No one will care, they'll be too busy staring at Doug Savant's naked torso to remember! Euck. This whole thing is like a never-ending merry-go-round, as first one of the two gets a job, then it comes between them so the other one gets a job too, then they realise that's affecting their marriage even more so the one who got the job originally quits, and then that person gets bored after a while and so on and so forth, ad bloody nauseum. Can't we have something a little more original? Is that really too much to ask?
Unfortunately, this problem doesn't end with Lynette and Tom. Susan's narrative hurtles right back into the jaws of predictability when Jackson metaphorically car-crashes into her life again, ready to send all of the promising character development from the past ten episodes flying straight out of the window. Independent woman? Strong individual succeeding on her own? Pah! One glimpse of the man she was having casual sex with for a couple of months and pushed away when he wanted more, and then one subsequent dinner date with him, and she's locking herself in her bathroom, blubbing and whining about how lonely she is and how she's been head over heels in love with him this entire time. Erm, say what now? This from the woman who balked at the idea of Jackson getting a key to her house, who ran a mile when he suggested moving away with him and developing some sort of, you know, commitment? After months apart, she's professing endless love and, from the looks of things, is ready to accept what she believes is a genuine marriage proposal? Give me a sodding break. Sure, there are logical emotional elements to Myer's little bathroom speech - she *would* find it hard to be without a partner, as has been established in the past - but transforming her into a gibbering wreck whose knees buckle and whose head gives in at the slightest whiff of the concept of engagement is just downright horrible. And to make matters worse, the writers rub her bloody face in it by making her misinterpret the situation! Oh look at kooky old Susan, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and humiliating herself yet again! Isn't she just the stupidest? Well no, she isn't. The show has done some very encouraging things with her character in the second half of this season and to sacrifice it all so that the finale can include the apparently mandatory wedding and some overwrought drama is just plain insulting. Oh, and by overwrought drama, I mean the conflict that will inevitably ensue when Mike finds out. How predictably timed this one appears to be, eh? The writers threw a spanner into the works in his and Katherine's relationship for no good reason at all last week and continue to do so here, playing up the commitment rift as if it's going to be the wedge that drives them apart. While the notion that Mike could still be in love with Susan is addressed and pleasingly debunked, if the sight of she and Jackson being wed next week contributes in any way to the separating of Delfino and Mayfair, I won't be a happy man. Actually, I'm worried for how the 'MJ will die' storyline might figure into this too, although it appears likelier that Jackson will die now, so we'll just have to wait and see.
The remaining narratives aren't quite as problematic, although they still lack spark. Bree's conniving and scheming is a little difficult to place. While I enjoy Marcia Cross's performance, and this is at least something fresh and interesting, every brain cell I have is telling me that the character would never resort to this sort of blatantly criminal activity. I mean, she's even acknowledging that her actions are against the law... to her divorce lawyer no less! And it's all about money?! Is Mrs. Hodge really that shallow? I honestly don't think so. Sure, she's conservative; her right-wing politics have been well established in the show over the years but at the end of the day, she's always been shown to be a decent human being, with her heart in the right place. Now she's throwing that out of the window? Orson's committed a series of crimes so she can too? Nah, I don't buy it. This smacks far too much of plot manipulation, adapting character to fit the story rather than the much preferable vice versa. And while it was nice to see Gaby and her daughter get some quality screen time and some meaningful exchanges, do they really have to be entwined in the same old plot structure? Gabrielle appears to be shallow and self-absorbed for 3/4 of the episode but, look! She has an epiphany and her true self emerges in the final act. That probably describes about 90% of her storylines in the entire history of the show. Change the record, would ya, Desperate Housewives? In fact, throw out the record player and invest in a stereo system. Your audience has outgrown your output. 5.7
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