523: 'Everybody Says Don't'
Wr: John Pardee & Joey Murphy
Dr: Bethany Rooney
Synopsis: Gabrielle and Carlos attend a family meeting in which they are asked to take care of their niece, Lynette is upset with Tom for his latest "bright idea," Orson threatens to blackmail Bree, and Susan accepts Dave's "friendly" gesture.
Review: 'Everybody Says Don't' fixes some of the problems that have beset Desperate Housewives in the past few weeks, although a number of rather undesirable plot elements still manage to worm their way into the story. The pace finally begins to ramp up as Dave's master plan takes centre stage, which is counter pointed rather nicely with the slowly increasing involvement of the authorities, as they begin to put the pieces together. While the excessively smug attitudes of the two policemen are somewhat lamentable, and their apparent lack of professionalism in the scene with Dr. Heller's secretary is a little baffling (surely they wouldn't discuss their plans for the case in front of a citizen? "Hmm, maybe we should send a text back!" Huh?), it is nevertheless pleasing to see somebody finally obtaining the knowledge that we, as an audience, have harboured for the last six months. The reintroduction of Karen and Roberta to the story is also very welcome, as the comic interplay between the two is always a delight to behold, although the forthcoming incorporation of yet another burglary into the show does seem to betray its struggle with the concept of originality. The trajectory of the plot is a little predictable too: it's practically a given that MJ won't snuff it, so something will have to interrupt Dave's plan. My money's on Mike either finding out that Williams is being pursued by the police for questioning, and therefore contributing to their finding him, or, as is more likely after the suspicious look he gives Dave at episode's end, on him deciding to watch the strictly verboten 'band' video tape before he goes on his honeymoon which, obviously, would reveal the entire plan to him and send him running right after the fishing trio with a shotgun in his hand.
Let's face it guys, this is utterly ridiculous. Sure, it makes a semblance of sense that Dave would try to explain his reasoning on tape, and it gives us a deliciously menacing opening scene (credit to Neal McDonough for some top notch acting), but really, what self-respecting revenge-driven psychopath hands the keys to his secret identity to his victims? Huh? He might as well blurt the entire plan out in Mike's face, while Susan and the little brat are watching, so ludicrously flawed are his actions. What guarantee does he have that Delfino will wait until after his honeymoon with Katherine to watch the tape? Um, precisely none. In fact, what guarantee does he have that the flipping wedding will even go ahead, given how emotionally stunted the whole thing is? A couple of hours or so after MJ, Susan and Dave leave, Mike has a change of heart and whoops! Wedding's off. Time to sit down with a nice cold one in front of the TV and reminisce about the band camaraderie of old. Except... not. Surely it would have made more sense for Dave to keep the tape in his own house so that it can be found when the police inevitably search it? Or, even better, to mail it with a required delivery date? But no, that would be too easy, too logical, too realistic; it couldn't be the crimp in his plan then, the device needed to spark the awareness that is needed to save MJ. Sigh. This is so transparent, it might as well be a deux et machina.
Oh and while we're on the subject, I have such little faith in the Housewives writing staff that I am virtually convinced that this whole storyline is going to be the catalyst for the practically inevitable break-up of Mike and Katherine. Their relationship has been so denigrated in the past few weeks that it seems ludicrous to think they'll actually go through with the incredibly rushed wedding. We've been hit over the head, time and time again, with the notion that there are flaws in their coupling, from the fact that they 'want different things' to Mayfair's oft-irritating insecurity to Mike's apparently rekindled love for Susan bloody Myer. The next logical step seems to be the acknowledgement of these problems, and what's the betting that it will take Mike rushing to his son's aid, to the detriment of his impending marriage (you can bet your bottom dollar that all this will occur during the wedding itself; Housewives is in love with tired clichés, after all), to achieve this? He'll save the day, rescue his family and realise just how much he's missing. Or maybe worry that MJ has no big, strong, manly man around to save him from evil ogres like Dave Williams and therefore vow to 'try to work things out with Susan'. Sigh. I really, really don't want it to happen. I'd love for the show to take us in a completely unexpected direction, to actually have the courage of its convictions and put a permanent stop to the perpetual merry-go-round that is Delfino and Myer's useless waste of a relationship, but I just can't see it happening. Look at the scenes they all have together in this episode, for crying out loud: oh sure, Susan ultimately gives the lovers her 'blessing', demanding to know whether Mike is in love with Katherine before giving the supposed thumbs-up, but you just know it's completely forced. Her initial reaction is the most telling and the writers just couldn't resist loading it with evident disappointment. For God's sake, they can't even give her an attempt at a sincere line of dialogue! "Oh, do we have your blessing Susan?" "Yes, sure, why not?" That's it? Please! Susan Myer, you are hereby presented with the award for Most Insincere Congratulations EVER. And yeah, that's the point but why does it have to be this way? Why couldn't Myer just be over Mike, for crying out loud? Why do we need to walk down this battered and beaten path for the umpteenth time? And as if Susan's lovesick heart wasn't bad enough, Katherine's character is turned into a sorry, whimpering mess when she utters the line "I can make him happy Susan. He just needs to get over you." Please, how pathetic! And then Mike even apologises! To Susan! God!
Thankfully, there are shafts of light in the remaining storylines. While Bree's criminal activity still leaves a bit of a sour taste in the mouth, her exchanges with Karl remain a definite comedy highlight as Richard Burgi proves to be the perfect adolescent foil for Marcia Cross's pristine, self-contained character. It's good to see the cogs turning on the story too as Orson finally obtains the upper hand; the two scenes in which the husband and wife are together are both excellently realised, with some fine, fine acting and sparkling dialogue. Orson's "oh sure we'll have our challenges - your penchant for emasulation, my kleptomania - but every marriage has
its ebs and flows" is a strong candidate for best line of the year. Lynette and Tom's storyline actually manages to be somewhat interesting, as the repetitive nature of their 'problems' is finally offset by the inclusion of another character. Granted, Porter's actual involvement turns out to be fairly minimal, but at least it's refreshing to see him, and it leads to a fairly logical development for Tom's character. Pleasingly, the writers don't have him ace the test despite his inebriated state, or find some other way around the problem so that he is able to pursue his dream (or at least not in this episode anyway) but instead, they give Lynette a well-deserved proverbial kick to the stomach. Still, the notion that Tom was given the wrong date for the admissions test, and that it is, like, within a couple of days of his visit, is a bit of an eye-roller. And finally, there's Gaby's story which, once again, is bogged down in the character's irritating selfishness (she is actually teaching her daughter to be mean in her first scene!), but at least something interesting appears to have come from it, something that will actually have an impact on the ongoing narrative instead of simply reinforcing personality traits that we've all become far too accustomed to.
This is something of a difficult episode to rate. While, on the one hand, there are a number of eminently enjoyable elements to the hour, largely centred on narrative developments that push the housewives' respective stories forward in interesting, and not always predictable ways, there are still a great number of frustratingly ill-conceived tropes that cause the eyes to roll. Sure, we've got some excellent individual scenes, providing the cast with an opportunity to demonstrate their considerable acting chops, but they don't always manage to offset the bitter taste provided by problematic elements such as 'the ballad of Mike and Susan' or Dave's ridiculous tape recording. Heading into the finale, there is much promise but sadly, there is much to dread too, as the narrative trajectory seems to be heading in some very, very lamentable directions. Still, the writing staff have another forty five minutes to pull their fingers out of their asses and surprise us all. Let's hope they rise to the challenge. 6.9
524: 'If It's Only in your Head'
Wr: Jeffrey Richman
Dr: David Goldman
Synopsis: Lynette adapts to Tom's decision to go back to school, Orson takes a beating that Bree cannot comprehend, Gabrielle's niece (guest star Maiara Walsh) moves to Wisteria Lane, and Susan and MJ's lives are in grave danger at the hands of Dave.
Review: 'If It's Only In Your Head' is an unconscionable mess of an episode, a thoroughly horrible anti-climax to what has generally been a good year. Jeffrey Richman's script piles cliché on top of cliche, insulting our intelligence further and further with every turn of the 'predictability-o-meter', until finally, by the time the woefully artificial cliffhanger rears its ugly head, we really just don't care any more. The question of who it is that Mike Delfino has married this time around is undoubtedly supposed to generate some intrigue, keeping us all on tenterhooks for four months, playing guessing games with our buddies. Sadly, all it does is get the eyes rolling. It smells rather pungently like a cop-out, as if the writing staff didn't have the courage of their convictions; they weren't confident enough in their own ability to tell a story (hell, after these past few weeks, why would they be?), so they left the thread dangling, affording them the opportunity to gauge the mood of their audience and, probably, go with what the general consensus is. I'm not exactly hopeful that Katherine will be the one under that veil and, even if she is, the writers have hardly engendered enough trust in their ability to comfortably represent her relationship with Mike to make us believe that the marriage would last. Trust me, if they go this route, within about five or six weeks of the premiere, Myer will worm her way back into their lives, reconstructing the triangle one more flaming time. It's far likelier though, unfortunately, that Mike will be tying the knot with Susan again, continuing the seemingly never ending cycle of their relationship; it's on, it's off, it's on, it's off, it's maybe on, it's definitely off. No wait, it's on. God, won't someone put an end to this already? Haven't we suffered enough?
Apparently not, according to Marc Cherry. No, we need to milk this abysmally insipid storyline for all that it's worth... so why not have Mike snog his ex-wife upon finding her safe and sound? Yeah, that's a great idea. That won't cause a entire nation to facepalm themselves, oh no. Sigh. It's really rather insulting that it's the abduction of Susan and MJ that seemingly reignites the old flame; um, inappropriate, much? Surely this storyline should be about Dave and his psychological misfortunes, not about the burning passion that just can't help but smoulder away beneath the stoic fronts put up by this most tortured of couples? Would it really have killed Richman to have simply had Mike be stoked to see that his child wasn't murdered? Instead of providing a comfortable resolution to the season-spanning story, this took the wind out of its sails, demonstrating that no matter how disparate the plot, Desperate Housewives will always come back to the never-ending ballad of Delfino and Myer. How utterly, utterly depressing. Oh and just to make matters worse, the writing staff continue to drag Katherine down into this thematic quagmire too, turning her into an irritatingly jealous bunny boiler. When they are in the airport, waiting to travel to Vegas, Mike calls Susan to make sure his kid is okay, after having had a 'funny feeling' about Dave when he left them. Fair enough, you might think... but not to Katherine, oh no. She has a hissy fit about the fact that he's talking to his ex-wife, when it's their 'special day'. Well, who hasn't seen that one coming for about four weeks, huh? When Delfino says, "are we really going to do this again?", it's as if is tuned into the minds of the show's viewership, regurgitating exactly what we're thinking. Now sure, this is followed up with some reassurance and a seemingly sincere declaration, but when you take all that subsequently happens with Susan into consideration, it doesn't seem like there's much hope for this particular narrative trope, does there? This is just Ian, Susan's British ex, all over again; Katherine is effectively a stop-gap in Mike and Susan's pursuit of true love, a way of keeping them apart for the duration of the season, so that they can be reunited again at the very end. It's trite, it's useless and above all else, it's boring. Change the record Desperate Housewives, we've well and truly had enough.
The crap don't stop there mind, oh no. Richman's script just keeps churning it out, as if categorically unable to grasp the most basic tenants of storytelling. As we all expected after watching 'Everybody Says Don't', it is Dave's utterly ridiculous decision to hand Mike a confessional tape that springs our heroes into action and ultimately saves the day. As if the fact that Delfino receives the thing before the deed has been done isn't unbelievable enough, we have to swallow the fact that Katherine would just so happen to pick this exact tape up from the drawer when Mike mentions that there are old ones in there, even though it is actually marked with the word 'band' and none of the others have any markings, and then we are expected to believe that Katherine's bag 'knocking' the thing when it's in the camcorder is what allows Mike to see it in time. Talk about your clichés. Mind, all this pales in comparison to his subsequent actions. How very convenient to the 'ballad of Mike and Susan' that the guy can't find Katherine when he needs to, when all she's done is gone to get a coffee. Where the hell could she be? How far could she go in ten seconds? As if this isn't bad enough, his decision to tell the nearest person to speak to his girlfriend, to tell her he has to leave because 'it is an emergency', is so transparent, it's unreal. The viewer knows exactly how it will play out and sure enough, it does, in all its agonisingly irritating glory. With Mike gone, straight after having been confronted by Katherine as to whether he truly loves her or not, it seems to Mayfair like he has bailed! And then, the elderly lady fails to mention the rather crucial nugget of information about his departure being 'an emergency'; instead, she just says he had to leave! Well, how about that, eh? It plants further doubt in Katherine's mind, strengthening her belief that things aren't working out between the two of them. It seems that he doesn't even call her either, which is what any sane individual would do, right after they've dialled their ex-wife and the cops. This is all supposed to be an unfortunate turn of events, circumstances that conspire against the actualisation of a relationship, but in reality, it's a bunch of artificial, ill-conceived narrative beats that help to guide a worthless story to its tiresome conclusion.
Arguably, the same can be said of the confrontation itself, which is also fraught with plot holes. For starters, we have Dave pointing a gun at Susan, directly in MJ's line of vision. He certainly doesn't do a good job of disguising his intentions: if the kid moved to his right, or leaned forward a little to speak to his mommy, he'd be able to see exactly what the guy's doing! Then we have Mike's oh-so-convenient sojourn down Route 12, which just so happens to lead to the exact spot where Susan careered into the Dashes three years ago. This certainly doesn't seem to have been Dave's plan all along, as he looks genuinely surprised when Mike tells him where he is, and there has been talk of 'an accident at the lake' during the fishing trip. No, it's just another marvellous coincidence, another fortunate happenstance in this most trite of narratives! Kinda like Delfino's timely memory loss, his drawing a blank at the mention of the road where the fateful accident occurred. Erm, colour me unconvinced but surely you don't forget even the slightest of details about such catastrophic events, events that actually change your life? Hell, Susan's ears prick up as soon as Dave blurts out the words but her ex-husband? Nah, he doesn't bat an eyelid. If he did, you see, he'd probably cotton on to Dash's plan, thereby denying us the 'big action sequence' (read 'minor car crash') that we're all just dying to see! Groan. As if this isn't bad enough, when the collision does occur, Mike picks himself up, dusts himself down and walks away with barely a scratch on him! How fortunate! And, more bafflingly, Dave actually chickens out at the last moment, saving MJ from certain doom. I'm sorry, but I have a very hard time buying this one, especially after the lengths that the writers have gone to for the entire season to show just how far the man will go to get his revenge. It's the only thing that drives him, for crying out loud, and now, after a few words from Susan and a timely psychological vision of his dead daughter, he bails? Now? When his plan is almost complete? Just at the right moment to make everything a-ok for our protagonists? Yeah, well, now that I think about it, it does seem about right. Convenience wins out over believability once again and the audience is left batting their heads off the nearest brick wall.
Okay, so the season-spanning story has the wind taken out of its sails and, in the end, it falls a little flat. Surely there must be some worth in the other narratives that pepper the hour? Right? Wrong. Gaby's story sees the writing staff treading on familiar ground yet again, except this time they've got a pretty new character to launch head-first into the mix. In Ana, we have another one-dimensional, manipulative cipher, one of American television's most popular representations of the 'teenager', entirely unlikeable and seemingly only there to drive another pointless wedge between Carlos and Gaby. When he doesn't side with his wife here, the conflict feels manufactured rather than organic, especially considering that her argument is pretty darn valid. Still, at least this isn't as bad as Bree's story which plumes whole new depths of ridiculousness with her affair with Karl. Come. On. Give me a sodding break. It's been apparent from the moment the two entered into business that she loathes the man, and given his sordid past with both Susan and Edie, she has every right to. Of all the women on Wysteria Lane, Bree Hodge is the least likely to ever start a fling with someone so utterly reprehensible and no, that doesn't mean it makes the plot development innovative and interesting. It makes it unbelievable and forced, a classic case of adapting character to fit narrative, which hardly makes for organic storytelling. Desperate Housewives proves that even it isn't safe from the old cliche that 'a [heterosexual] man and a [heterosexual] woman just can't be friends', which is one of the most infuriating conceits still prevalent in television. Still, at least there's Lynette's story. That's got to be the saving grace right? Think again buster. What do we have here? A pregnancy! Never done that one before! When she says, "we're having twins... again" in such an incredibly despondent voice, it accurately sums up the feeling of the story: we've been there, done that and we really don't need to see it again. This seems to put the brakes on Tom's desire to go to college which looked set to give the Scavos something interesting to do for once. But we couldn't have that, could we? In fact, we couldn't even have it turn into an abortion storyline, which is where my overly-optimistic mind thought it might be going. Nope, in the 'two months later' segment, Lynette's off being sick, indicating that yeah, those babes are still in there, just ready and waiting to come kicking and screaming out and give the family another few years of irritating 'you stay at home, I'll get a job', 'no, you stay at home, I'll get a job' narrative beats. Deary, deary me.
'If It's Only In Your Head' manages to completely botch all of the promise of its predecessor, 'Everybody Says Don't', and that really is no small feat. Jeffrey Richman's script slowly, and mercilessly, beats each housewife's respective story into the ground, one at a time, until all we're left with is a scrap of fine acting here and a shard of witty dialogue there. There really is very little to like about the episode: the central drama is bogged down in cliche and predictability, Mike and Katherine's impending wedding turns out like everyone with a single functioning brain cell expected that it would, and the B and C storylines feel pointless and tired and even when they're attempting to be original, as in Bree's narrative, they fail hopelessly, feeling contrived instead of believable. By the time the cliffhanger rolls around, it's difficult to give a rat's and that really isn't what the show needs right now. Frankly, this writer couldn't be any less interested in seeing a sixth season. I mean, they didn't even give Shawn Pyfrom a single scene. They could've at least gotten him to take his top off or something. Sigh. 2.9
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